Ask the Author: Sean Doyle

Sean Doyle’s searing Ladies First blows up the August issue and he talks with us about dating advice, making your very own date rape hallway and other oddities.

1. If you have actually fucked a cutter, have you ever thought about creating a cheese grater cock ring so it combines the best of both worlds?

Wow. Well, I’m not so sure that tearing up a young lady’s pleasure garden is a very good idea, you know? Especially a young lady goodly enough to let me touch on her. I’ve been involved in a lot of very odd body modification sub-culture stuff over the years — some of the things I have seen would melt your face off faster than opening the Ark of the Covenant, believe that — but a cheese grater cock ring? That seems a little bit extreme, even for my mind.

2. What is the strangest way you’ve said “Happy Birthday” to someone?

Politely, and without any trace of malice.

3. Why did you choose “Angela” as the name of the female lead in “Ladies First”?

Honestly it was just a name that flashed in my head that was far removed from the participants and actual events that birthed the story. I mean, in the spirit of keeping things interesting, we could say “I chose the name ‘Angela’ because it’s close to ‘Angel,’ which is what this young woman was like. An angel. With an extra vowel instead of a bag of chips.” Oh. Shit. Hi, readers of The Mighty PANK. I’m Sean.

4. This last line, so fantastic and true: “Never tell a woman who is kindly enough to fuck you that what she wants is ‘unnatural,’ you fucking prick.” What other dating advice can you provide the readers of PANK?

You want me to get on Front Street here? Okay, fine. Remember — you asked for it.

Keep an attorney on retainer.

I’m kidding. Sort of.

The most important thing I have learned about dating is to do the very best that you can to leave your luggage from past relations on the outside of the current attempts at relations. Don’t sit around on the first date rambling on endlessly about some ex-lover who broke your fucking heart — not only is that not a good look, but nobody wants to hear all of that unless they are being paid $200 an hour, and even then they might be just humoring you until the next round of drinks is gone.

5. What are your hard limits?

If I am interpreting this question correctly, I will just say this: I’m a big fan of moments dictating limitations, if at all. You’re never really going to know who the hell you are unless you go a little bit further than you thought you were capable of. That could easily be transposed to anything.

I also quite fancy the first four Slayer albums, if that was what you were after.

Oh. I cannot deal with clowns. Hell no. No clowns up in here. Like, ever. No.

6. How does one create a date rape hallway? Bonus points for blueprints.

I don’t think one creates a date rape hallway as much as one discovers a date rape hallway.Length and privacy are very important for a proper date rape hallway, as is trust. It would be best if one were to spend a little time exploring the building a bit, to make sure the possibility of being found or caught is slim, unless of course that’s your bag. Sub-floors seem to work out for the best for this criteria.

As you can see from my poorly-constructed blueprint, minimal foot-traffic is of the utmost importance. If you require mood lighting, scout out where the breaker box is for the hallway, and trip a few of the lights off to get things just right. Other than that, you’re on your own. Good luck.

daterapehallwayblueprint

  • Simply amazing.

  • If Sean had a dating/sex advice column, my life would be complete. Fantastic interview. Fantastic writer.

    • I agree. I would volunteer to be a test dummy for Sean.

      • has anyone started a petition or anything? i call first dibs.