Huckster: An Average Day For Someone Who Works In Advertising

—Wake up. Wonder why you have “If You’re Happy And You Know It, Clap Your Hands” song stuck in head.

—Go to bathroom (number one).

—Head to office. Realize you forgot your laptop.

—Go back home, try to remember what you did last night (bar, woman in black dress, bearded dude, arm wrestling match, Scion tearing out from bar parking lot).

—Go to bar. Retrieve laptop from Dumpster out back.

—Finally arrive at office. Sit down, turn computer on, stand back up, wonder how gum got on your seat.

—Spend hour in agency kitchen removing gum from your pants with various cleaners.

—Put pants back on.

—Return to office, check e-mails every 20 to 22 seconds.

—Go to bathroom (number one), wash hands, return to office.

—Get called into a brainstorming meeting, brainstorm, get asked to leave brainstorming meeting.

—Tell plant lady your brainstorming ideas, feel really good that she loves them, then feel disappointed when she tells you she has no pull around here.

—Laugh at plant lady’s ideas.

—Put on rubber Milton Berle Halloween mask and return to brainstorming meeting. Talk in Milton Berle voice. Take long silence as indication that the meeting has come to a close.

—Leave brainstorming meeting. Try to say hi to coworker you’d like to ask out sometime, but stop short as she just happens to get a phone call at that exact same moment again. Curse your luck.

—Go to bathroom (number one). Wash hands, get a flash of a memory from something that happened in childhood, dry hands, etcetera.

—Eat a sandwich at deli across the street.

—Return to office. Take off Milton Berle mask.

—Perform various tasks (write down ideas, present ideas to client, defend your ideas, realize you’re being too defensive, present plant lady’s ideas, revel in client’s praise, convince yourself it was your idea all along).

—Go to bathroom (number one). Consider getting your prostate checked. Wash hands.

—Return to office and perform various tasks (strategize, conceptualize, accessorize, receive from coworkers numerous stinkeyes).

—Call it a day. Pack up laptop, say goodbye to people on way out, accept piece of gum from very nice coworker Tom.

—Go to bar for quick drink(s), get up nerve to approach woman in blue dress, clean drink off face in bathroom (also, go number one).

—Arm wrestle guy with goatee. Lose. Realize your laptop is missing. Go outside, see plant lady get into Scion and squeal away.

—Go home, lie in bed. Realize you forgot to look for laptop. Sing “Your Laptop’s At The Bar, Don’t Forget” to tune of “If You’re Happy And You Know It, Clap Your Hands” in effort to remember to get laptop before going to work tomorrow.

—Fall asleep. Dream about going to the bathroom (number one).