7.03 / March 2012

Three Must Haves

Kumi Kookoon California King Silk Comforter: $1500

In a charmeuse, the warp threads must cross over three or more weft threads.  Here, one can think of the weft as wrought iron and warp as concrete.  Both must exist for the weave to function but, inspected closely, it appears as if the weft is backbone.  The goal of this weave is to make those points of contact so minute, to make the structure  of so many small lockings as to give its surface the smoothness of marble.  When draped over a naked body, the marriage of weft and warp holds heat evenly and spreads warmth through and across the fabric.  And while it may seem intuitive that, given the number of threads used, the cover would be heavy, this is not the case.  Our silk is hand stretched for both tensile strength and ideal weight.  It is our goal that, when you rest beneath this cover, you will feel it little more than you feel the weight of the setting sun.  Of course, credit must be paid to our tradition of sericulture.  Our worms are bread with high fecundity and the best pupation rates.  We select only the finest cocoons and are always attempting new breeding techniques.  Recently, we have developed new ways to extract spider silk, long prized for its light weight and almost unparalleled strength.  We have overcome several traditional problems related to volume of production.  Although, unique challenges have presented themselves once the bedding is made.  For instance, the first line of duvet’s produced with fine spider silk were sold-out overnight and shipped all over the globe.   But recently we began receiving reports that several, if not all of the coverings were full of very small, slowly gestating eggs. The majority of which were hatched by the warmth of sleeping bodies.

Zegna Cotton Shirt: $225

The reason no one shows off their Fruit of the Loom is because the logo is on the back of the collar.  No man wants a woman gawking at the area where his neck meets the rest of his frame.  Dignity does not reside in that location.  How can you be expected to charm when all she can see the dune-like rise of your spine as it pushes up against your skin.  No, we must have our logos readily visible, preferably on the left breast, near a pocket.  That location is the beach front property of the casual button down.  It is a territory known well by tiny, grinning alligators as well as men swinging polo clubs.  And to wear a shirt that is blank is to invite questions of where it came from, who made it, why did you choose it?  These queries often distract, leading inevitability to questions of whose parents your parents conquered.  Then again, there is a certain need for modesty with a shirt logo.  It is my estimate that the logo should not exceed half an inch from top to bottom and side to side.  Perhaps there are some casual shirts that may break this rule but then the casual shirt is an entirely different matter and carries with it its own pitfalls.  For a dress shirt, I believe the signature of its maker should be small, dignified.  Once, I met a curious man whose clothing bore no tagging or naming of any kind.  His suit was wonderfully fitted, the fabric fine, full at the elbows and knees.  I observed him cautiously, eventually daring to ask where he obtained such a pleasing array.  You can imagine my surprise when he told me he made the apparel himself.  Yes. Himself! Down to his loafers! I digress into anecdote to illustrate the importance of well identified dress, for while I always remembered that well suited man, my recollections are of entirely the wrong temperament.

Thom Browne Cotton Seersucker Shorts: $1,500

You sweat because you are a man.  You sweat because you work.  Because you take the stairs to the 100th floor or, at the very least, take the stairs from the 90th floor up.  You sweat because you hiked to Machu Picchu on holiday while the others took a train.  You sweat because musk is in short supply after the solstice.  You sweat because, any moment, your wife will arrive home and catch you kneeling on the ebony wood floor, pants undon, peering through a keyhole into your maid’s room as she changes her stockings.  You sweat because certain people are out to get you.  You sweat because of the dismal predictions of soothsayers who run their single eye over your portfolio with envy.  Others will tell you concealment is your first course of action but I disagree.  Do not rub your skin raw with odor covering tinctures.  There is a strength and pride to be gained from natural scents when they remain subtle.  I advise that you, rather than of covering it, accommodate the secretion.  These short-pants are absorbent, quick drying, and sewn by hand to allow for perfect ventilation.  They are ideal for both active and leisurely pursuits and are available in a rainbow of colors.  Some have said these garments are so fine they offer true competition to the comfort of nothing at all.

Steven Casimer Kowalski lives in Cleveland, Ohio. He is your favorite writer's least favorite writer.
7.03 / March 2012