Enough of this picking on memoirs already. Many of them are in fact journalism collections or nonfiction road trips. What’s the matter with that? Why the false fiction-nonfiction dichotomy?…Speaking of memoirs, I love me some Ben Yagoda, but his new book, Memoir: A History, seems a little late to that party–Women’s haircuts are too expensive. There, I said it–Nothing will replace a live drummer–Even after RuPaul, I still don’t know what it means to sashay, which probably means I am, truly, heterosexual–When will Ben Marcus have another book? I asked him for a quote once for a story, and he wasn’t that nice, not at all– Lots of protests over the all-male Publisher’s Weekly top 10 books list–A fiction writer woman said that I am “probably creepy”; I un-friended her that day, but not before looking at her profile pictures–Speaking of Facebook, is it possible for someone to hijack a person’s FB chat?…I am distantly related to Abraham Lincoln–The new Greil Marcus co-edited A New Literary History of America is certainly worth 30, 40, 50 bucks, but it should be called A New-ish Literary History of Harvardish America. Do we really need to read Helen Vendler talk about Wallace Stevens again?–If I type the words “Seth Abramson” in this column, chances are he will write a comment. Starting in one, two, three–Why doesn’t anyone take credit for Duotrope? The anonymity makes it seem creepy. I regret writing about them in the past–Premium TV shows have been better than movies for the past 10 years– No matter how much I may like reggae, rocksteady, ska, and dance hall, no matter how many Trojan records box sets I buy, I will always feel like a dork tourist bobbing my head to it. You’re probably not supposed to bob your head. See? –There are more headshops here in Albany than there are vegetarian restaurants–When will 90s alternative styles—bolo ties, long white shirts buttoned all the way up—come back?…A colleague had John Searle as a professor, and I was strident in my jealousy–Whatever happened to Dogpile?…I have a Google alert for “banana hammock.” Don’t ask–Pick up The Daily Racing Form once in awhile, get a shoe shine, and put on after shave, just to feel like your grandpop, or perhaps a butch lesbian”¦Everyone should have their own, signature handshake, and register it at a central database”¦The Creative Writing Jobs Wiki is at once very helpful, soul-crushing, and depressing–I’ll never be able to offer advice on lipstick color, for my wife or any other woman, for that matter. I usually just say “go with red”–All travel coffee mugs—every single fucking one of them—are a bunch of spill-causing bullshit–I miss the way a tape sounds and feels when it’s rolling inside a VCR–I didn’t know you could wear an overcoat over a suit jacket, even though the word “over” is in it–How many books do you have to publish before you’re invited back to your old writing program to read? One friend’s alma mater has a stated “three-book rule.” WTF? —Nick Gilder‘s City Nights LP, the one with “Hot Child In The City,” is wall-to-wall killer, no filler–Three students of mine wanted to start a website selling their papers. They didn’t think it was illegal–My favorite monologue from Repo Man these days is the “plate of shrimp” one–I need a clicky keyboard, powered speakers, and a 23-inch screen–Coupons are a racket. I never use them–Speaking of the 90s, some lost, missed, or underrated bands from that decade: The Mysteries of Life, The Reivers, Digable Planets, Fishbone—Barbicide is aggressively trademarked–Most phaser pedals suck. Someone get me an old Maestro–I met the members of Sister With Voices, or SWV, on a temp job once. I will write about it someday–Whenever I preface anything with “as a former literary journal editor,” I know I am going to sound pompous.   And yet I still do it–Live rap is almost never good. Except for Yo! Unplugged Rap, which revitalized LL Cool J’s career, if you asked me–Some people still have “Hussein” as their middle name on Facebook–Others still have their hometown as Tehran on Twitter– You really should buy my new book if you’ve read this thing so far–Off to teach class.

Daniel Nester‘s latest book is  How to Be Inappropriate, a collection of mostly humorous nonfiction, which is out now. He teaches at The College of Saint Rose in Albany, NY.