Two Poems

Here are some of the things I’ve learned since losing my virginity:

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My girlfriend shaves in so many places!
Holy cow! I’ve only ever shaved my face
with an electric razor, not a blade, because
I’m afraid of them. And I’ve never shaved
my balls, I would probably cut one off! For
cycling, I used to shave my legs, and that
would just be a bloody mess. Oh, and the
exfoliating! I scrubbed so hard but still had
so many ingrown hairs! It drove me crazy –
she shaves her legs and doesn’t go crazy,
and they’re so much smoother than mine
ever were. Shaving! Impressive!

Also, we had period sex, and I pull my dick
out and it’s all covered in blood! I think to
myself – this is so metal, my girlfriend is
so hardcore! I mean, when I had blood
coming out my penis, it was bad, I won’t
tell you the whole story, but it scared me
pissless, I went to the doctor and prepared
to lose my balls to cancer. My girlfriend
bleeds out of her vagina like once every
10 days. Holy shit! And she still goes to
work and is still happy and does things.
Sure, she gets more philosophical, but
whatever. She puts up with all that shit
and me too! Vagina blood! Impressive!

Also! My dad gets kidney stones; one day
I’m going to get them too and I’ll push little
hard jaggedy things out of my penis. It will
be terrible-far worse than shaving my balls
ever could be-and I’ll be lying on the floor
of the bathroom crying. But wait! One day,
hopefully not anytime soon, my girlfriend
will maybe probably push a baby out of
her vagina! Holy shit! Have you ever seen
A baby? I mean, those things aren’t small!
Her vagina gets filled up by my dick now
but it’s not 10cm. Babies, what the fuck!
Birthing! Impressive!

Holy shit women! Y’all put up with
so much more than men. I’ve learned
that my girlfriend is fucking hardcore,
but she is just like every other woman.

Dear Aquaman,

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I’d like to start by encouraging you to ignore everyone who makes fun of you because they think being able to talk to fish and breathe underwater are lame superpowers. Don’t forget that you have more superpowers than that spoiled brat living off of dead daddy’s money, Batman. Secondly, I’m sorry for eating so many fish tacos.

When you asked your father why he was a lighthouse keeper and not the captain of a ship he told you, ‘someone has to stay on land to help those captains. It’s called responsibility.’ So you stayed in the water to protect those of us on land, but now I’m afraid you’ll have to protect those in the water from your next unstoppable enemy: Humanity!

You defeated your arch-nemesis Black Manta in comic book issues 35, 42, 57 and numerous times on TV, but Humanity is like nothing you’ve encountered before. Humanity strikes the earth like a meteorite in slow-motion and the oceans are going to feel the burn of climate change first. Humanity in a generation can kill off coral reefs that have existed long before the word ‘industry.’ Humanity used to think that the ocean was too infinite to harm, but now they’re working like a virus and using small imbalances to cause large destruction.

Aquaman, this is unlike anything you’ve faced before. I encourage you to get help from Namor the Sub-Mariner; I know he’s Marvel and you’re DC but in times like these people need to come together. Convene the Justice League! Talk to Superman – he’d be willing to help fight climate change because his Fortress of Solitude has been melting a bit lately.

CO2, oil spills, over-fishing and my love of fish tacos – it is all of these things and then some; Aquaman you can’t fight all of it. But you can fight us. So before you enslave humanity to octopuses bearing a whip in each tentacle, before you feed all of us to the fishes we need to realize that the earth we live on is but a sidekick to the ocean. And golly-gee-willickers it’s time we treated the ocean with love and respect like you treated your wife Mera.

Well, at least before you had to fight her after she went crazy with grief after the death of your son and attacked you while you were busy saving the earth from giant sentient alien jellyfish. Aquaman I’m sorry to remind you of your dead son and estranged wife. But my point remains the same: humanity needs to stop being your enemy and become your greatest ally. It’s called responsibility.