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We’ve reached the holiest time of the year, where Jews celebrate their escape from bondage in Egypt and Christians celebrate the torture and brutal murder of Jesus Christ. This holy moment for the Jews culminated in Moses the Law Giver, climbing Mount Sinai to receive the laws that became known as The Ten Commandments.
Here we present the original transcript of Moses’s historic conversation with the Almighty. Ghostwriters for God later edited and truncated the raw material for use in the bestselling books, Exodus: The Story of a How a Tribe Wandered, Partied and Eventually Found the Promised Land and Deuteronomy: The Collected Speeches of Moses M. Lawgiver. Both books later were bound into a collection titled The Holy Bible: Tales of Sex, Violence, Incest, One Magical Kid and a Beast With Seven Heads Ten Horns and Ten Crowns and later adapted for the silver screen as the The Star Wars Saga.
Moses, several hours late for his appointment with God, is winded after climbing Mt. Sinai. God, in the form of a burning bush, gives him an annoyed look.
MOSES: God, I need a cigarette. Got a light?
GOD (looking at his watch): You’re late Moses. Didn’t I say 7:30 a.m.? Did you think I said p.m.?
MOSES : Sorry man, it was a real long trip out of Egypt. I’m still kind of tired. Thanks for parting the Red Sea by the way.
GOD: No problem, brah. You know how I roll.
MOSES (mumbling to himself): Would have been nice if you didn’t keep hardening Pharaoh’s heart.
GOD: What’s that?
MOSES: Uh, nothing, God. So (holding a cigarette) can I get a light?
GOD: We have a lot of work ahead of us. I only set aside 40 days and 40 nights for this and now we’re behind. Let’s get started.
MOSES: Come on, man. Without a smoke I’m going to be on edge—
GOD: I’m allergic to smoke.
MOSES: But you’ve taken the form of a burning bush. Just a little off the side. Don’t be like that.
GOD: Number one—
MOSES: Got a pen?
GOD (sighing): Just chisel them onto those stone tablets over there.
MOSES: Alright, what you got?
GOD: Number one: THOU SHALT NOT BE LATE TO THINE APPOINTMENTS.
MOSES: Seriously?
GOD: What? I’m just saying you should be respectful of people’s time.
MOSES: Don’t you literally have all the time in the world? Besides, you try hiking up a mountain in the same raggedy sandals you fled Egypt in.
GOD: Who told you to make the trek without a decent pair of hiking boots? By the way, those sandals stink. Could you leave them somewhere downwind? Thanks.
MOSES: I’m not feeling that first commandment.
GOD: Fine, how’s this? THOU SHALT HAVE NO OTHER GODS BEFORE ME.
MOSES: Isn’t that asking a bit much?
GOD: I am the Lord thy God, which have brought thee out of the land of Egypt, out of the house of bondage.
MOSES: Yeah, but—
GOD: I didn’t see Osiris or Isis or any of them helping out. You should have seen them sitting around laughing.
MOSES: OK, what’s next?
GOD: THOU SHALT NOT MAKE UNTO THEE ANY GRAVEN IMAGE, OR ANY LIKENESS OF ANY THING THAT IS IN HEAVEN ABOVE OR THAT IS IN THE EARTH BENEATH, OR THAT IS IN THE WATER BENEATH THE EARTH.
MOSES: All those artists like Michelangelo and those folks who are going to make portraits of you and the angels in heaven—
GOD: Yeah, they’re all going to hell.
MOSES: Gotcha. Next
GOD: OK, what have we got here? KEEP MINE NAME OUT THY MOUTH.
MOSES: How about: THOU SHALT NOT TAKE THE NAME OF THE LORD IN VAIN?
GOD: Yeah, I like that. Let’s go with that…REMEMBER THE SABBATH DAY, TO KEEP IT HOLY….FOR IN SIX DAYS THE LORD MADE HEAVEN AND EARTH AND SEA—
MOSES: Uh, God. You’re kind of rambling.
GOD: Sorry. HONOR THY FATHER AND MOTHER….THOU SHALT NOT KILL.
MOSES: You really think that one should be so late in the list. After the business about graven images and honoring mom and dad?
GOD: Look, it’s late, I just want to get this done.
MOSES: OK, Thou shalt not kill…even Dathan?
GOD: Even Dathan.
MOSES: God, you’re making life hard.
GOD: THOU SHALT NOT COMMIT ADULTERY.
MOSES: Dammit!
GOD: THOU SHALT NOT STEAL….THOU SHALT STOP THY SNITCHING FOR SNITCHES GET STITCHES.
MOSES: God, I’m totally with you on the stealing one, but I think you need to be clearer on the snitching one.
GOD: How about, THOU SHALT NOT BEAR FALSE WITNESS AGAINST THY NEIGHBOR?
MOSES: But my neighbor’s a jerk.
GOD: THOU SHALT NOT COVET THY NEIGHBOR’S HOUSE, THOU SHALT NOT COVET THY NEIGHBOR’S WIFE, NOR HIS MANSERVANT, NOR HIS MAIDSERVANT, NOR HIS OX, NOR HIS ASS, NOR ANY THING THAT IS THY NEIGHBOR’S
MOSES: Look, God, I’m not interested in my neighbor’s ass, I mean to each his own, that’s just not my thing—
GOD: Are you sure about that?
MOSES: Wait, what have you heard?
GOD: Nothing, but out of all of the things I tell you not to covet that’s the first thing you talk about? Kinda strange, Moses.
MOSES: No, I was just trying to say–
GOD: I mean, it’s fine if that’s what you’re into and all; you know, if I made you that way…look, I’m not here to judge—
MOSES: No, I was going to say, before you cut me off, that it’s fine that you say not to covet and all, but have you seen my neighbor’s wife? That’s an ass I’d like to covet.
GOD: Now it just seems like you’re trying to cover for something.
Rion Amilcar Scott writes fiction all over the damn place, tweets @reeamilcarscott and blogs at datsun flambe.