Huckster: Hello And Welcome To The Agency, New Account Executive

Oh, hi! I didn’t see you there. Just kidding. How could I miss you—you’re in our lobby, for Christ’s sake.

Welcome to our ad agency, new account executive. Let me give you the dime tour one more time. Then I’ll take you to your office, which, since your last visit, we painted. It’s a color called, according to The Home Depot’s Behr color swatch, Plumber’s Crack.

Okay, follow me down this hall. As you know, you’ll be working on three accounts. You’ll deal with strategy, project management, opening jobs, all that. Your account coordinator will fill you in on all the details. His name is Janet.

This here’s the bathroom, and down the hall you’ll find our large conference room. I’m sure you already know this, but we have some cool extracurricular stuff around here, too. Pool table, dartboard, OB/GYN. There’s a basketball hoop outside near the parking lot.

Oh, real quick: this here is Larry, our color printer.

Yeah, so, where was I? Oh: you’ll write creative briefs, too, which describe the who, what, where, when, how, and why of a specific project. When you’re discussing new jobs with a client over the phone, make sure world fusion music is playing and your Job Birthing Candles are lit. And please remember to snuff the candles out before you faint. Last guy didn’t do that and the only way we could identify him was through his mother’s dental records, which wasn’t easy seeing how she’s been dead and buried for 25 years.

Crazy, old Larry!

Anyway, this is our creative department. Wave hello to them. I’m just kidding, put your fucking hand down. There’s the writer, the art director, barista, creative director, web guy. Sure they create the stuff, but they’ll also be in a lot of the meetings, helping you brainstorm strategy, etcetera. They’ll probably be there for the client SWOT analysis, too. I should tell you that, here, SWOT doesn’t stand for Strengths, Weaknesses, Opportunities and Threats, but rather Spiders, Weasels, Opossums and Titmice. What does any of that mean, you ask? Hell if I know. That’s why we’re having the meetings, you jamoke.

One more thing about the creatives: you can bring one of them—and only one of them—home.

This here is our production manager. You’ll be dealing with her a lot, which is to say you’ll be arguing with her about deadlines. Don’t forget to call her every day of the week and ask her, When can the client see the ad? She loves that. She’s pretty quick to respond, too. In fact, one AE asked her that and, as quickly as the next morning, he found the deadline written on his mirror in his own blood.

I’d show you the media department, but it’s on the phone right now.

And finally here’s your office. There’s your desk, computer, filing cabinet, hamster, bookshelves. Your chair should be here by Thursday. As far as protocol goes, make sure you end all client phone calls with the word “lozenge” and always turn your drinking glass upside-down when you’re not using it. Mind the locusts, too. I know, basic stuff, but it’s best just to put it on record.

Well, I guess that’s it. Any questions?