Huckster: Five Commonly Known Sexual Pleasures For Advertising Professionals

To be sure, everyone’s extremely familiar with kama sutra—the ancient Hindu text on erotic pleasures. Everyone except advertising professionals, that is. You see, these professionals have their own book catered specifically for them. Here are just some of the 1,245 pleasures. Please note that, for these methods to work, both partners must be in the advertising industry.

HOT JOB

This is where you and your partner exchange provocative instant messages throughout the workday, each IM more seductive than the last. Perhaps, if both of you work in the same office, you can even give sensual looks at your partner while passing each other in the hallway, as if to say, “Oh yeah, baby.” Both of you continue the IM’s until, at the end of the day, you can’t take it anymore. Then, right as you’re leaving the office, the production manager hands you a hot job that has to get finished immediately, forcing you to stay late. By the time you get to your partner’s apartment, not only is he/she asleep, but also your desire has been replaced by a severe migraine.

STAIRWELL SURPRISE

It all starts when you get back to your office after a meeting and find a note reading something like, “Meet me in the stairwell at 2 p.m. and bring a warm towel.” You’re confused, yet intrigued. Your anticipation escalates with each passing minute. At lunch, you find a towel in your desk drawer. Who put that there? The note-writer, no doubt. Finally, at 1:58 p.m., you go into the restroom and run hot water over the towel. You are filled with desire. Then, when you enter the stairwell, you see your boss. He/She explains how you missed a deadline on an important job and cost the client thousands of dollars. He/she might have to let you go. You feel sick to your stomach and wretch onto the stairwell floor. Good thing you brought the warm towel to clean up with.

NEW “BUSINESS” PITCH

You create a PowerPoint presentation, putting it together as if you were pitching a tire company called TreadStar. But here’s the key: you use statements like, “Sales will ‘rise’…among other things!” and “You’ll love the ‘bottom’ line.” You also insert photos that subtly suggest sex. For example, a photo of a pitched tent, or of a clown, or of two people having sex. Then you present it to your partner during an actual new-business pitch, much to the surprise of your partner and everyone else in the room.

INSERTION ORDER

In advertising, an insertion order is written authorization to print an ad or broadcast a commercial. But an insertion order in the steamy world of advertising sex is completely different. First, you type up a fake insertion order, in which you declare how you’d like to “Buy some space in a nauty place,” and then e-mail it to your partner. Your partner e-mails back explaining how you misspelled the word ‘naughty.’ You return with an e-mail that reads: “Whatever. Did you see where I’d like to buy some space?” Your partner writes back, “I did. That’s how I caught the spelling mistake.” Then, as you try to send your response, e-mail goes down for the rest of the day.

HOT JOB 2

Same thing as the original Hot Job except, instead of coming home with a migraine, you come home with the stomach flu.