Huckster: Do You Have A Urinary Tract Infection Or Are You Just Doing Your Timesheets?

Let’s face it: there’s only one thing worse than having “that feeling” and that, of course, is not knowing exactly what the feeling means (besides excruciating pain! Help!). Many doctors rush to the diagnosis of urinary tract infection (UTI), but is it an infection? Could it be something else? Well, if you’re in advertising, there’s a 98.2% chance that the pain is not from a UTI, but rather from doing your timesheets (Source: WebMD). A timesheet—for those unfamiliar with it—is basically a spreadsheet in which an employee inputs how much time he or she worked on each particular job that day. And while this may sound simple, it’s actually quite painful and irritating. In fact, it causes symptoms similar to a urinary tract infection. So here are some guidelines that will help you determine which condition you have.

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Many doctors will ask if you feel pain or burning when you urinate, but one thing they always fail to ask is, Where were you when you were urinating in the first place? The movie theater? Your desk? If you were at your desk, what were you doing? You might have been doing your timesheets.

Here’s a question you’ll hear doctors ask a lot: “Do you feel like you have to urinate often, but not much urine comes out when you do?” It’s a good question, but rarely followed up with the more pertinent question: How much water were you drinking while feeling that constant need to urinate? If you were drinking a lot, it probably means you were doing your timesheets. After all, when completing timesheets you should drink four to six glasses of water every 30 minutes, to stay hydrated. Timesheets can not only suck the life out of you, but also  water. Like, a bunch of water. It’s reported that, while our bodies are typically 60% water, that number can drop to as low as 33% when doing timesheets. Also, just because not much urine is coming out when you do go doesn’t mean you have a urinary tract infection. Perhaps your prostate has suddenly enlarged (men only) or perhaps you’ve grown a prostate (women only)—both are common symptoms of doing your timesheets.

An account executive urinating while doing his timesheets.

I don’t want to get too personal here, but cloudy or foul-smelling urine could mean you have a UTI. You know what else it could mean? You’re doing timesheets. Timesheets can cause sour stomach and, as any doctor will tell you, sour stomach can cause odoriferous urine. And, really, is it your urine giving off that odor, or is it the sweaty office manager standing over your shoulder making sure you’re doing your timesheets? Something to think about.

Do you have pain on one side of your back, under your ribs? This is where your kidneys are. It’s also where you might be punching yourself so that the physical pain replaces the mental burden of timesheets. To help determine the cause, try this: the next time you feel the pain under your ribs, locate your fists.

If you have fever and chills, you could have a UTI. Or you could have about a million other things. I mean, come on.

If you have nausea and vomiting, there’s a good chance this is because your doing timesheets. Did you ever vomit on your keyboard in such a way that your keyboard no longer worked? That’s your body rejecting timesheets.

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I hope these guidelines serve as an integral resource when attempting to diagnose your condition. If you are suffering pain from doing your timesheets, there’s good news: along with water, drink plenty of cranberry juice. It’s been documented that doing so will help alleviate the pain.