Huckster: The Catholic Church—Advertising Medium Of The Future

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Currently, there’s a huge medium that’s being ignored by advertisers, and that medium is the Catholic Church. But this will change in the future—specifically, it will change on Maypril 45, 2123 AD. I learned this from a friend of mine who travels back and forth from the future and who will remain nameless, mainly because they don’t officially use names in the year 2123. This friend’s handle is XR78844A. He’s also known (unofficially) by some of his friends as Jorge Posada XV.

According to Jorge Posada XV, product placement will be very prevalent in future prayers. Take, for instance, the Lord’s Prayer. There’s a point in a Catholic mass where you stand up and hold the hand of the person on each side of you while reciting the Lord’s Prayer, also known as the “Our Father.” However, in the future, this prayer will be slightly altered from today’s version:

“Our Father who art in heaven

hallowed be thy name.

Thy Magic Kingdom® come.

Thy will be done

on earth as it is in 7-11®.

Give us this day our daily Wonder Bread®,

and forgive us our trespasses,

as we forgive those who trespass against us,

and lead us not into temptation,

but FedEx® us from evil,

by Mennen®.”

After reciting the Lord’s Prayer, everyone sits back down in the pew. Jorge Posada XV sits in the pew sponsored by Folgers: The Best Part Of Waking Up Is Folgers In Your Cup As Well As God.™

According to Jorge Posada XV, you’ll also find advertising in various religious texts, including Scripture, which, by the way, will only be available in electronic form. Here’s a passage from Romans 8 in the New International Bible Sponsored By Ford—Have You Transplexed In A Ford Lately?™:

5Those who live according to the flesh have their minds set on what the flesh desires; but those who live in accordance with the Spirit have their minds set on what the Spirit desires.

6The mind governed by the flesh is death, but the mind governed by the Spirit is life and peace. 7The mind governed by the flesh is hostile to God; it does not submit to God’s law, nor can it do so.

Of course, there are many other elements of Catholicism that will feature various forms of advertising in the future. I can’t list them all—that would be a long list!—but here are just a few other examples:

  • Communion wafers sponsored by Zappos.com.
  • An 8th Sacrament called Warren & Warren, which is the name of a law firm specializing in divorce.
  • Wicker offering baskets advertising the home goods section of TJ Maxx.

…………………

Obviously, advertising will find a welcome home in the incredible world of Catholicism—a religion usually known for its hands-off approach when it comes to society. But don’t thank me for this little glimpse into the future. Thank XR78844A. Also known as Jorge Posada XV.

AUTHOR’S NOTE: Since this writing, Jorge Posada XV’s handle has changed from XR78844A to XR78843A due to a death in his neighborhood.