This Modern Writer: Food Rules by Yinka Rose Nolan

1. Don’t chew with your mouth open.

2. Straw sipping from an empty cup, especially an empty cup that is clear, is not allowed. The first time you do it, I will try to understand, and I will assume that you don’t realize that there isn’t anything left to drink in the cup, unless the cup is clear, then I will assume you want to piss me off. When you do it 5 times in 30 minutes (yes, I am counting) I will take your cup and hit you over the head with it.

3. Don’t ask me what I am eating. You can look at my plate and clearly see what I’m eating. If you are asking because you want some, I am sure there is more somewhere in the kitchen. If you are asking because you are trying to bring my attention to what I am eating, I am already fully aware of what I am eating. Yes, I know that my salad doesn’t have any salad dressing (I actually like it this way). Yes, I am ashamed everything on my plate that can be considered a carb. Yes, I am disgusted with myself for eating cake, but it’s already been one of those “bad” food days and I might as well say “fuck it all now.”

4. If you know that I am on “a diet,” don’t ask me if I want to go out to eat. I’m starving; of course I want to go out to eat! So please don’t tempt me with this question. If you want company, you can tell me that you are hungry and you are going to go out to eat. I might invite myself to join you because I have a twisted obsession with feeding people and watching them eat. You may ask me only once (on the way to the restaurant) if I want something to eat. If I want something, I will get a Diet Coke, and you will pay.

5. If I tell you that you are not full yet, you are not full yet and you are expected to eat more. Because I am not good at moderating my own hunger and satiation, I reserve the right to moderate yours. If you don’t eat all the food on your plate and I tell you to eat the rest, you need to make a real attempt to eat the rest. And when I say real attempt, I don’t mean eating one more fry and telling me that you’ve tried and you’re sorry, but you are way too full. We can sit here all night until the food is gone; I have nowhere else to be.

6. Never take me to Olive Garden, but if you do accidently take me there and you find me contemplating the Zeppoli, loudly whisper, “do you really think you need that?” This will embarrass the hell out of me and set me straight.

7. You certainly do not want to share the chocolate melt down cake with me. The answer is always, “No. You are fat; you do not need dessert.” You will order dessert, you will enjoy it in front of me, and you are not allowed to let me have a bite, even if I pout and give you puppy dog eyes.

8. Yes, I do need to go to the bathroom, brush my teeth or shower after every meal.

9. Don’t ask me why I left the toilet seat up. You already know the answer: I left the toilet seat up because I made an effort to return it to your preferred position. No insidious business going on here.

10. I am the (im)perfect woman.

Yinka Rose Reed-Nolan is a native of the San Francisco Bay Area. She recently relocated to Fresno where she is a MFA student at California State University Fresno and works as an Editorial Assistant for The Normal School. In her free time she publishes the zine Rawton Cherry with her best friend.