Bishop Bobby Bling Speaks: A Sermon

Let me hear the congregation say Amen.

I can’t hear you; the congregation’s gotten shy all of a sudden? It don’t matter that you don’t know what I’m about to say. Just say Amen.

If Jesus come down here and ask you to say Amen, you telling me you gonna say, “I think I’ll wait and see what he has to say?” No, you say Amen.

What you don’t understand is that my anointment is an appointment. Better yet, it’s ointment and you better rub it into your skin and your jointments. Yes.

Better come get you some of this spiritual Ben Gay. This some Ultra Strength Pain Relief, Christ is like Ben Gay: Stronger Than Pain. Yes.

Oh, now the congregation is clapping and nodding and hollering. Ah, yesh, yesh, that Bishop Bling is a mighty fine feller there. That’s what you saying now. But there is a lot of talk going round. The church people got a lot of yapping about stuff, but they don’t want to get in my face and say it so they whispering. Just like they whispering about my brother in Christ, Bishop Eddie Long. Yes, I hears the talk. Ain’t nothing wrong with Eddie, he just had some young wards. If Bruce Wayne can have a young ward why can’t a righteous man of God have some young wards. Heck, even I got a young ward. You want to yap about me?

But that’s not what most of the complaints is about. You think I don’t hears the complaints, but I do. Yes, I am like the Lord, I hears all and sees all. They saying, I got a little problem with Bishop Bling putting all that product placement in the sermons.

All that talk might mess you up. Might send you right to Hell. And it’s only a small portion of you. I know it’s 20,000 people I got here every Sunday–even more watching on the TV and the internet–but it’s only a few hundred of you got mess to talk.

The rest of the congregation echoes the words of Ezekial 23, Chapter 15: Ba da bop ba ba. McDonald’s, I’m loving it.

Let the people of the Lord say I’m loving it!

Alright, that’s more like it.

Now I want to get back to my friend, Bishop Eddie and all the talk the devil got some of you doing about him, because it’s all connected. I hear the jokes. You calling him Bishop Eddie Longstroke. What does Eddie Long call his youth ministry? The Harem. That’s one of the jokes y’all is making. You saying that he settled out of court with the boys that accused him of touching them wrong and part of the settlement is that he is now forbidden to take pictures of his self in muscle shirts before the bathroom mirror.

Now that’s cold. But guess what, he’s anointed. He’s appointed. And he’s going straight to Heaven. When you anointed, that mean you can do whatever you want and you still going to Heaven. God is his Allstate Insurance, he’s in good hands. And Allstate got home insurance policies starting at $9.99 a month. You can get more details in the back of the church after the service. So joke all you want, but Bishop Eddie’s still rich. And after you makes your jokes, you go back to your miserable broke lives and Eddie Longstroke got the dollar bills to keep him company and that’s because of the Lord.

Let the people say, You’re in Good hands with Allstate.

Yes. Yes. Yes. Good hands. Now, people of the body of Christ, God wants you to wear alligators on your feets. He wants you to wear Rolex, the timeless luxury watch on your wrists. He wants you to eat Big Macs down at your local eatery for a low price of two for $2.22. If you got the wealth that the Lord wants you to have you can buy a whole lot of them at that low price. But to get all of this stuff, you can’t be talking bad about the anointed. You can’t be asking questions of your pastors. And you also got to pay your tithes. You want that Gucci purse? The Lord says you must give me 10 percent of your gross earnings, Don’t be trying to give me the net. That’s Lucifer all up in your ear. Give me your gross earnings.

See, tithing is all about blessings. It says right there in Job, Chapter 3, Verse 14 “And the Lord saw that fool slippin’ and God pointed a gun in his direction and said, ‘Break thy self, fool.’ And the Lord thy God did take from that fool ten percent of his money, but He returned it to him sevenfold.”

In other words, when you give up your tithes to the church, you receive it back sevenfold. Sound like a good deal to me. I see some of y’all is skeptical. But I tell ya, I give the church 10 percent of what I earn and look at me. I’m doing well. I drive a Bentley. Yes! Got a $4 million house. Yes! Got a plane. Yes! Even got a butler named Alfred, a cave and a young ward named Dick, but I calls him Robin. Yes!

How you think I got all them blessings? Well, body of Christ, the church gives me the bread of Heaven and I pay back 10 percent in tithes. Some of you say, Well, that’s our money you tithing and I say, Well, how soon do the people of God forget. It’s not your money. You gave it to Christ. And Christ himself anointed me. I knew the boy Christ from back home in Detroit. I was standing out on the street and He came up to me and said, “Brother Bling,”–and yes ‘Bling’ is my real name–He said, “Brother Bling, make your next move your best move. Choose me.” And I chose Christ and then He told me to hold his money until He come back.

And my Lord is coming back! Any day now and what you gonna tell him? That you held back when Bishop Bling was asking for His cash?

It’s time for you all to get proactive. I ain’t talking about the word, I’m talking about the skin product. You people of Christ are looking mighty pimply out there.

Let me hear the people say, Be Proactiv.

It’s now faster and gentler than before. Just like Bishop Eddie Long.

Rion Amilcar Scott writes fiction all over the damn place, tweets @reeamilcarscott and blogs at datsun flambe