Huckster: Welcome To The 23rd Annual Agency Picnic Olympics!

Hello, everyone! Thank you for coming to the 23rd Annual Agency Picnic Olympics. Our agency has been doing this for more than 22 years now, and every year it gets better. So, without further ado, let’s go over the day’s events!

We’ll start the day off with the Pillow Sack Race. This, of course, is where each player lights his or her pillowcase on fire, gets inside, and has to hop to the finish line before getting out. Remember, if you get out of your pillowcase before you get to the finish line, you’ll have to play the penalty game: Find Your Spouse.

Immediately after the Pillow Sack Race, we ask that you completely disrobe as quickly as possible for the Javelin event. There were a few of us last year that took a little long getting ready. I’m not sure why. It’s not like this is the only time of the year we’re all naked in front of each other while holding ranged weapons.

After getting your clothes back on, please get to the Lawn Darts area as soon as possible. Remember: do not touch the lawn darts. First one to do so loses and is out of the Lawn Dart competition.

Next comes the Biathlon, except instead of snow skiing we’ll be water-skiing, and instead of skeet shooting we’ll be water-skiing.

Unfortunately, we will not be playing Where’s Gary? this year, as Gary didn’t make it through last year’s Pillow Sack Race. May Gary rest in peace.

As we all know, the Annual Agency Picnic Olympics would not be the same if we didn’t have our Pi Eating Contest, in which we eat 3.14159265 calculators.

We’ll then take our Coital Intermission, as is customary.

Our first event after the intermission will be the Tricycle Race, in which our contestants will ride around an oval track on their child’s tricycle. If you don’t have one, we’ll provide you a child so you’ll be ready next year.

Good news for those who participated in last year’s Tire Drill contest, in which you step through tires in a race to the finish. This year, we removed the hubcaps, so it should be a little easier.

Bill and Susan during last year's Coital Intermission. Nine month's later, we were welcoming Bill Jr.!

And finally, the three players who earned the most points in the previous events will participate in the big finale, which we call the Smörgåsbordacopia—a course that we change each year, so it’s never the same course twice. Veterans of the Annual Agency Picnic Olympics know that we can’t disclose what’s involved in each year’s Smörgåsbordacopia. However, we do give one clue, and this year’s clue is this: kiss your family before beginning the race.

Okay, let’s get this show on the road! It’s time to begin the 23rd Annual Agency Picnic Olympics! Ladies and gentlemen: set afire your pillowcases!