Gallimaufry: Department Store Announcements You Don’t Hear Very Often

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Attention shoppers: Life is hard, I know. There are many trials and tribulations, and some of your problems simply can’t be fixed. You want to hit an ‘undo’ button on some of the decisions you’ve made, but you can’t because there is no such button. Maybe you should have thought things through before you did what you did. Well, hindsight is 20/20, right? And speaking of 20, you can save 20% on select cameras in our electronics department!

Attention shoppers: Let’s face it, you’ve got skeletons in your closet and they’re not pretty! Then again, STD’s are rarely pretty. Well, while you’re getting rid of that nasty disease, you might as well get rid of those old clothes in your closet, too…because we’re having a clearance in the menswear department!

Attention shoppers: Thanks for choosing our store! Now, if only you could have chosen your own spouse! Arranged marriages stink, I know. But don’t worry: you’ll learn to love each other! Just like you’ll learn to love our incredible everday low prices!

Attention shoppers: Today, you’ll find tons of clearance items in our shoe department. Also, there’s no such thing as God.

Attention shoppers: My daughter just checked again. She is indeed pregnant. And you have to be the father because she says you’re the only one that slept with her in the last six months. So you might want to shop that sale in childrenswear, unless you’re one of those deadbeat dads.

Attention shoppers: There is a blue Chevy Blazer, license plate number “H46C9,” in the parking lot with its lights on. If this is your vehicle, please report to Al Gore.

Attention shoppers: Did you know that, according to quantum mechanics, the patterns of string vibrations in string theory come in superpartner pairs, differing from each other by a half unit of spin, and that some of these string vibrations will correspond to the known elementary particles, which means string theory makes the prediction that each such known particle will have a superpartner? Speaking of “known” particles, did you “know” we’ve lowered our prices throughout the store, “particular”-ly in our houseware department?

Attention shoppers: I was just kidding about my daughter being pregnant and how you’re the father. I don’t even have a daughter. But I just wanted to make a point that the sale in childrenswear is really good. Sorry, it won’t happen again.

ATTENTION SHOPPERS: YOU’RE PROBABLY WONDERING WHY I’M YELLING SO LOUDLY! IT’S BECAUSE I’M CURRENTLY IN AN F-15 FIGHTER JET FLYING OVER A WAR-TORN NATION IN THE HOPES THAT I CAN FINALLY HELP IT DISCOVER THE MERITS OF DEMOCRACY! B-T-W: BIG SALE IN WOMENSWEAR!

Attention shoppers: Regarding that mission in the war-torn nation: I’m afraid I had to abort it. I ejected from the F-15 three days ago at quite a high altitude and have landed at coordinates I’ve yet to distinguish. Speaking of distinguish: you’ll look awfully distinguished in a new suit, many of which are on sale now through the end of the month. Okay, have to go now. I hear someone coming. Not sure if they’re friend or foe.

Attention shoppers: Sorry I have to whisper, but better safe than sorry. Okay, it looks like whoever was coming is gone now. ‘Whoever’ or ‘whomever’? Not sure. The only thing I am sure of is that I haven’t eaten or drank anything in three days. Also, I have no idea where I am. But I know where you are: right in the middle of big savings on all your favorite tennis shoes. Christ, I’m thirsty.

Attention shoppers: Again, sorry I have to whisper. Been hiding out for days. Need some help. Hungry. Thirsty. Sun is hot. But not as hot as the prices as, of, the…forget it.

Attention shoppers: Been a week now. Thirsty. So thirsty.

Attention shoppers: I think it’s ‘whoever.’

Attention shoppers: Do you like wizards?

Attention shoppers: I’m back! Rescued! Drinking water. So good! And food, too! Apparently, U.S. forces heard very distinct sounds in the background of my announcements that helped them distinguish where I was. Good thing Vice President Joe Biden was shopping at the time! Heading home now, and you should, too! But not without hitting our sports department, where everything is 20% off. Hey, I still got it! Yeah!