Gallimaufry: The Second-To-Last Supper

And as they were reclining at table and eating on this, the second-to-last supper, Jesus looked around at his guests. There was James The Greater and, to a lesser extent, James The Lesser. There was John and Peter, who, you guessed it, were fighting again. But, alas, where was Thaddeus? For Thaddeus said he would be at this dinner. Indeed, he said it right to Jesus’s face: “Yeah, I’ll be there.” What was up with that? thought Christ, Prince of Peace. And so he asked his guests about Thaddeus and, lo, they all looked confused. But Jesus was sure Peter knew the answer, for Peter was scratching just above his right eyebrow. That was Peter’s tell.

“Peter,” said Jesus, “is there something you want to tell me?”

To this, Peter replied “Who me?” And then Jesus gave Peter that look. You know the one.

“Peter…” said Jesus.

“Oh,” said Peter, “Yes, that Thaddues. Yeah, um, here’s the thing, Jesus. Thaddeus decided to stay home.”

“Stay…home?” Jesus said. Admittedly, the son of God was a little taken aback. Lo, you would be, too! “Why did he stay home?” Jesus continued. “Does he not like to sup with us?”

“No, no, no, Jesus,” said Peter. “It’s not that at all. He just figured he’d come tomorrow night. You know, for the final supper.”

“The final supper?” said Jesus.

“It’s just, he figured why come tonight, when tomorrow’s the, you know, the big one. The main…supper.”

Jesus sighed.

“Oh,” said Jesus, disheartened. “Okay. Okay, yeah. Yes, that’ll work. So. Okay, then I suppose we shall sup without Thaddeus tonight. Sounds good. No biggie.”

And then Jesus took bread, and after blessing it, broke it and said, “Take; this is my bod—“ but here Jesus stopped short, for Simon was whispering to Bartholomew while Jesus had been breaking bread. Said Jesus, “Um, hello? Simon? Is there something you’d like to share with the rest of us?”

Oh, the look on Simon’s face as he realized what he had done! One could tell he felt kind of shameful. Not completely shameful, but pretty shameful nevertheless. About 62% shameful.

“Sorry,” said Simon. “No, nothing to share, for I am all good.”

And then Jesus said, “With all due respect, Simon, why do you talk during my breaking-bread speech? You know how much I like it. There’s a lot of symbolism here.”

“Yes,” said Simon, “Yes, I know. But…I mean, it’s like, you are going to say the speech again. You know, tomorrow night. So, I was just going to catch it then.”

For the second time, Jesus sighed.

“Okay,” said Jesus, deciding not to persist. Alas, at least Simon showed up. That had to count for something.

And so Jesus continued his procession. He took a cup and, when he had given thanks, he was about to give it to them when he noticed that in the cup was not wine but rather apple juice. “What?” said Jesus. “What happened to the wine?”

“Alas,” said Peter. “The wine hasn’t been delivered yet. It should be here tomorrow morning, in time for the—“

“The last supper, yes,” interrupted Jesus, who was now more than a little perturbed.

And so, for the third time, Jesus sighed.

“You know what,” said Jesus. “Why don’t we just go ahead and start eating.”

And so they ate. Or at least most of them ate. Not everyone did, as a few people had hot dogs before coming to this, the second-to-last supper.