Gallimaufry: The Worst Thing

There is nothing worse than getting a paper cut. Some people will try to argue differently, but those people are always wrong and we should feel sorry for them.

Some people will try to tell you they experienced something worse when they lost all their money, and to those people I always say, “How’d you lose it, gambling in a casino?” They always say “No,” which pretty much proves they’re lying. And there’s nothing worse than being lied to. Except, of course, getting a paper cut. In terms of the worst things, it goes: 1) getting a paper cut, and 2) being lied to.

Now you’re probably wondering what number three is, and you’ll be sad to learn that you’re actually doing number three right now: being nosy. Someone being nosy to you is the third worst thing that could happen to you. Trust me. One time, someone was being nosy toward my mother and, twelve years later, she and my dad got a divorce.

The fourth worst thing that could happen to you is dying at the hands of the thief in Zork I.

Obviously, someone misspelling your name at Starbucks is the fifth worst thing that could happen to you. I can’t tell you how many times I spell out my name to the barista and, still, she always write ‘Shitstain.’ You’re probably thinking, “What’s the big deal? It’s not hurting anyone.” Tell that to the 80-year-old woman I accidentally spilled my coffee on last week.

My wife committed the sixth worst thing while we were in bed last night. She stole the covers. As if that weren’t enough, she eventually committed the seventh worst thing when she stole my third pillow, otherwise known as my ‘straddle pillow.’

Look, I know lists like this can seem pointless. Just the other day I was watching the Travel Channel, which is also pointless. I guess what I’m trying to say is, we all do things that are pointless.

But maybe you’re right. Maybe this list is pointless. Maybe everything’s pointless. Why leave the house when you’re just going to come back home later? Who’s even going to notice whether or not you mow your lawn? And what’s the point of making your bed when you’re only going to set it on fire later?

And yet we do all of these things over and over, every day.

We are, as it turns out, creatures of habit. For instance, you’re probably thinking I’ll make this list of worst things go up to ten because that’s what we, the human race, are used to. But you’d be wrong. Which, now that I think about it, is the worst thing. Yes, there’s nothing worse than being wrong. And that, dear reader, brings us back full-circle to those people who actually think there’s nothing worse than getting a paper cut.

Who’s the shitstain now, barista?