Gallimaufry: Just Another Day At The Gym

Boot Camp Class

Okay, everyone, let’s start with some stretches! Ready? O-kay. Let’s begin with the arms in the air, and raise them…and raise them…and raise them! Come on, people, you just got caught swallowing 1.2 million dollars in canary diamonds you were going to “evacuate” later tonight at Applebees and the cops caught your ass red-handed! So raise those hands! That’s it, you’ve got it! Now sway left…and…right…and left…and right! Come on, dodge those bullets!

Okay, you’re doing great! The cop decided to let you go after you bribed him with your ex’s old Movado. But just in case he changes his mind, let’s run like the goddamn wind! Come on, let’s bolt. That’s it, run in place! One foot in front of the other, people. Oh, man! He sure is fast! Better pick up speed. Faster…and faster…and faster! Now, jump to your right, behind the Taco Bell Dumpster!

Phew. That was a close one. Think we lost him. Crazy how this is the exact same Dumpster where Sandy gave birth to her little boy after hooking up with that bagger from the Sav-Mart, isn’t it? Life’s fucked up.

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New Gym Equipment: The Counselor

– Sit down in The Counselor.

– Insert arms into arm-locking device.

– Press fire-engine-red ‘Engage’ button with your chin. Relax, as arm-locking device fully embraces your arms.

– Press cherry-red ‘Halt’ button with chin when arm-locking device causes subtle pain. (Note: DO NOT press fire-engine-red button.)

– Extend neck to allow face-covering mask to cover your entire face. Make sure to keep your mouth open to allow “Talking Bit” into your mouth.

– When face-covering mask vibrates, begin disclosing any problems you’re experiencing in your “life.” (Note: this is no time to be shy.)

– When you’re finished, tap the “End It” kick pedal with your left foot. (Note: DO NOT tap right kick pedal.)

– Relax as face-covering mask removes itself and arm-locking device releases your arms. (Takes about 12 minutes for entire process.)

– Insert twenty-dollar bill into moneyslot. The Counselor will print out your “life” interpretations and any advice/recommendations.

– Thank The Counselor for its help.

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Exercising Tips

One of the keys to every exercise is this: remember to breathe. I knew this one guy in a spinning class who simply refused to abide by this advice and he suffered some serious consequences, including death. I told him, “Jim, you should probably breathe during this,” and he was all like, “Whatever.” I told him, “Well, if you don’t breathe, then ‘Whatever’ will be your last word,” and he said, “No it won’t.” Turned out he was right. Then he died.

Like I said, breathing is just one of the keys. The other is stretching. I stretch for a good two-and-a-half hours before actually exercising, although everybody’s different. Some people have to stretch out for days. It’s like, “Hell-o! I’ve got stuff to do! I can’t be stretching out for days!” But those people have no choice. Poor schlubs.

But I think the third and most important key is try to not to get a hernia.

Follow these exercising tips and you’ll be buff in no time. Good luck!