Ask The Author: Mike Miner

In December, Mike Miner’s “The Rematch”. Mike took the time to answer questions about robberies and convenience stores.

1. Who would you fight again? What would be the outcome?
 
I would not fight my little brothers again. I have three and they are all bigger than me now. I’d still win, but I’d have to fight dirty and I still like seeing them around the holidays.

2. What have you robbed?
 
I’ve stolen glances and moments and bases. I work in a supermarket, so it’s much more common for me to get robbed than to rob. We caught a woman putting a package of bacon in her jacket the other day. Cigarettes, pregnancy tests, baby formula are all commonly stolen items – not all at the same time usually. A year or so ago I caught an old guy stealing little cans of cat food, Friskies, sliding them into the sleeve of his jacket. I told him to keep the cat food and never come back. He died a few months later. It’s possible my confrontation indirectly led to his death.
Once thieves came in through the roof, blew up the safe and got away. This was years ago. My father was away on vacation. When he came back, the store manager had drawn a picture of a safe door on cardboard, complete with combination lock and handle. In the safe was a note that said, “The money is in the produce department, under the lettuce.” At the bottom of the note, my father wrote, “Thanks. The Robbers.”

3. What is your favorite martial art? What would be your imaginary killing stroke?
 
 I am biased because of my training as a Shaolin Monk. While there I studied Meihua Quan which literally translates as “Plum Flower Fist.” Or at least I wanted to. Instead I watched hours of kung fu movies and listened to a lot of Wu Tang Clan. So I still favor the Shaolin disciplines.
Killing stroke? So many. The Cinnabar Palm is a good one. But who has fifteen years to learn it? I do like Pynchon’s “Quivering Palm Death Touch” from Vineland. I like the idea of it killing the victim a year later. But my first choice would have to be the “Five Point Exploding Heart Technique” from the Shaw Brothers’ Executioners of Shaolin. You might have also seen it in Kill Bill Vol. II, a loving tribute.
Of course these answers are moot if lightsabers become a reality. Then I immediately begin my Jedi training.

4. Do your carpets match the drapes?
 
 You know, we just met and I’d like to leave a little mystery. Maybe after you’ve bought me a few more drinks.

5. How do you think conflict shapes us as people? How much of “The Rematch” comes from a life changing conflict?
 
Without conflict we would have no shape at all, we’d be stingless jellyfish, just going with the flow. We need things, we want things, we like things so we seek them, we covet them. How we obtain them (or don’t) is how we gain our shape. Do we work for them, earn them? Do we steal them? Do we deny ourselves? These things we’re after might belong to other people, or they may be other people. Conflict is when people get interesting, and I think it’s where most good fiction starts.
My oldest daughter took Tae Kwan Do lessons a few years ago and I was fascinated to see how children reacted to sparring. It’s one thing to kick and punch air, quite another to attack something that hits back. It’s a bit like pushing a baby bird out of a nest. Some spread their wings, others crash into the ground.
Teaching my daughter martial arts was a bit like handing her a loaded weapon. She was like a Barbie with the GI Joe kung fu grip.

6. What is your favorite convenient store delicacy?

Think about the slushee. Really think about how awesome it is, the multitude of flavors, the accompanying sugar high, the slight headache from brain freeze and sucking through a straw that is much too narrow. It is the only reason to go to a convenience store. That or condoms. But you might as well kill two birds with one stone.