Huckster: Excerpts From An Advertising Professional's Journal Regarding His Time At Ogilvy Transylvania

May 10
It’s very strange here at Ogilvy’s Transylvania office. Not strange in a bad way. Just strange. I mean, I love it here. It’s, like, the best place I’ve ever worked at, and I’m not just saying that because our offices are in a 14th-century gothic castle.

I suppose the first thing that took me by surprise when I started were the strange hours. For the most part, we’re working when everyone in every other agency in our time zone is sleeping. Basically, we work from dusk to dawn. I imagine it’s kind of like that old adage, “When everyone else yells, whisper,” except ours is, “When everyone else sleeps, work.” During my interview, I asked why they just didn’t work during the day and got a look that I can only describe as Bela-Lugosi-esque.

May 16
I must say, the people here are as nice as they are pale and anti-reflective. This past Saturday night, I threw a party at my house—kind of a “thanks for bringing me on board” party—and every one of them stood at the front door and waited for me to invite them in before they even stepped foot inside my place. I know what you’re thinking: “Um, hello? They’re obviously very courteous. Why can’t everyone be as courteous?” And I hear you loud and clear. Loud. And. Clear. We can all learn something from these upstanding individuals.

May 19
One thing I’ve noticed is that nobody works past closing time. Everyone scampers home right before dawn breaks, which means I’m usually the last one in the place, locking up and what-not. I don’t mind at all. I usually get more done when everyone’s gone anyway. What’s strange is, I never see any of my coworkers in town during the day. Don’t get me wrong: Transylvania is a big town, and I don’t expect to run into someone every day. But when I worked in bigger towns at my previous jobs I still had the occasional run-in. Not here, though. Also, I’ve noticed a lot of people I do see walking around during the day wear neck scarves.

May 23
The most amazing thing happened over the weekend. An account executive named Roderick banged on my front door seconds before dawn. He kept yelling his name and screaming for me to open the door. Something about his girlfriend kicking him out. Anyway, I’m a little slow in the morning (especially before I have my coffee!), so I’m all like, “Okay, okay, I’m coming.” But when I opened the door, there was no Roderick. There was only a pile of dust! I know what you’re thinking, and I thought the same thing: Roderick is not only an account executive, but also a very talented magician.

May 24
Roderick wasn’t in today. What a shame. Really wanted to shake his hand for that fine trick he did over the weekend. Maybe tomorrow.

May 25
Still no Roderick.

May 31
We’ve been winning some serious business lately. We’ve been raking in our fair share of awards as well. Cleaning up, as they say. In our case, cleaning up figuratively and literally, as our staff has made it a habit of immaculating the place after a reporter from Adweek or AdAge shows up. What’s strange is, nobody ever sees that reporter again. Actually, one time, a reporter did return to his publisher’s offices, but—get this—he didn’t even remember going to Ogilvy Transylvania! I heard he got off the plane thinking he went on a seven-day vacation to Sandals Resort with Linda from his HR department. I guess he simply became so overwhelmed—glamoured, in fact—with the sheer brilliance of the Transylvania office that he forgot himself and everything he had experienced while he was here. There really is no other explanation.

June 1
Where the fuck is Roderick?

June 7
We truly have ever kind of account here. Seriously. You name it, we’ve got it. Except for the Garlique account and the Eastern European branch of Jade Dragon’s disposable chopsticks division. Not sure why we haven’t landed those two yet. Just can’t win them, I suppose. I brought the subject up to my creative director and he looked like he wanted wring my neck or something. That’s the last time I’ll bring that up.

June 21
I’m starting to think Roderick isn’t coming back.

June 28
Just fell asleep at my desk and now I have a throbbing pain in my neck. Tried getting up to go the bathroom, but I could barely stand, much less walk. Think I’ll just stay right where I am. Feeling a little tired anyway. Oh, well. Good night.