Tigger Blood: A Letter from Rep. David Wu to his Colleagues in the House

Rep. David Wu (D-Ore.) in his beloved tiger suit just before stepping onto the House floor.

Dear Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi and my Colleagues in the House,

I’d first like to apologize for my behavior. I realize that it has become quite erratic. I will explain that, as well as the enclosed picture of me in a tiger suit.

When you have heard and understood my explanation, I am certain that you and the Democratic caucus, as well as many members of the Republican caucus, will support my decision not to step down.

I did indeed have sexual contact with the teenaged daughter of a long time friend and campaign donor, but you can rest assured that it was consensual. As an older woman Madame Pelosi, I’m sure you can understand my attraction to a young hot number. Being a man gives me the chance, no, the responsibility to follow through for all the people who are too caught up in the rules of “society” to act on the desires that burn at them. Imagine being 56 and getting the chance to score with a young chick. I’m sorry if you’re not able to do the same. To you and all my fellow members of the house and senate, as well as all the finger-wagging moralists out there judging me, I say: Stop hating!

How many of you have the guts, after seeing your friend walk into your house trailed by a hot young thing, to send your friend to the store, don a tiger suit, approach his daughter and say: “Hey baby, ever got it on with a T-I-Double-Ger-Er?”

The wonderful thing about Tiggers is that Rep. David Wu is the only one.

I will spare you the details of what transpired next, though I will say that it was indeed consensual, unlike that time back in college (sorry about that). And we all know that sexual contact by a 56-year-old man with the teenaged daughter of a good friend is just fine as long as it is consensual.

Now, I realize that I am a bit iconoclastic in my thinking. Always have been. My Furrie-ous (ha ha, get it) stand on the issues has earned me many enemies on the other side of the aisle, which is why I have been singled out for attack now. I also realize that because of this situation, I have shed many friends on Capitol Hill. I walk the halls and everybody averts their eyes. I stick out my hand to shake and people just walk by as if they have never seen me. Perhaps it’s because lately I’ve taken to wearing my beloved tiger suit to work.

And yes, I have argued in favor of many bills dressed as a jungle cat. So what? Is a solution to the debt limit crisis any less valid if it is voiced by a man dressed as a tiger? Of course not!

None of you have walked in my shoes. For 10 years, from November 1985 to December 1995, I worked for a young blond boy with a big mouth and an even bigger imagination. His name was Calvin. That young man was the most amazing artist I have ever met. He too was an iconoclastic thinker. Working for him was the best preparation for Congress. For instance, we played a game called Calvinball. At the time, it seemed nonsensical. The rules changed minute-by-minute. Sometimes we wore masks. The scoring was erratic. My young friend once beat me Q to 12. We played it frequently and never played it the same way twice. It could be a bit frustrating, but I see now what young Calvin was trying to teach me. In fact, the thing the game most closely resembles is the workings of the House of Representatives.

Madame Pelosi and members of the House and Senate, I am not leaving. I was built for this.

I’ve discussed this situation with my therapist as well as my friend and mentor, former Rep. Anthony Weiner, and we all decided that resigning would cause more harm than good. I will stay until every congressman and woman is dressed as his or her favorite animal on the Congress floor. And if I have to be the lone tiger walking amongst and preying upon mere humans, so be it.

Besides, resigning would leave me nothing else to do, but sit around in my basement wearing a tiger suit–bare skin rubbing against the suit’s soft fur–waiting for teenaged girls to come by and keep me company and I don’t think you want that.

Sincerely,

Rep. David Wu

Rion Amilcar Scott writes fiction all over the damn place, tweets @reeamilcarscott and blogs at datsun flambe.