Gallimaufry: High School Courses Revisited

Creative Writing
This is an introductory course that focuses on imaginative writing style, revision, being alone, ordering in, crying, finding a good psychologist, and cleaning the house. Writing-wise, we will focus on short stories, poetry and creative non-fiction as well as non-fiction that isn’t very creative at all. Bring a pen and 12 bottles of Barbasol shaving cream.

American History
This course is designed to develop an understanding of the American experience. The course begins with a brief overview of the television show “The Biggest Loser” as well as an intense study of People magazine. Later in the course, students will be asked to rip out pages on the Theory of Evolution from science textbooks and replace them with pages on Intelligent Design, all while participating in a round-robin hot-dog eating contest. The course is worth three credits, unless your parents make more than $200,000 a year, in which case it will be worth six credits.

Humanities I
Humanities I is a recommended course for any college-bound student, as humanities is required at most colleges and universities. But do you even want to go to college? Your good friend Stu works as a manager at The Olive Garden and he promised you a full-time job after graduation. Says you could work your way up to manager in no time. Of course, Stu is always high as shit, so he might not know what he’s talking about. Hey, it looks like there are field trips in this class. Maybe it’s worth taking, after all.

Life Management Skills
Uh-oh. It looks like your 19-year-old sister is pregnant again, but this time the father could be anyone. It’s probably best you don’t go home tonight. Dad certainly won’t be going home—not after cheating on Mom with your best friend’s mother, who, as it turns out, has gonorrhea.

Debate I
Can’t decide whether or not you should take this course? Then you probably won’t be very good at it.

Biology
This course is designed to help students develop skills in the areas of cooperative learning, critical thinking, and the scientific method, although all you’ll remember is that one guy who refused to dissect the frog due to his commitment to animal rights. Which is perfectly fine. But did he have to burn down the entire school while masturbating?

Psychology
This course provides students with the opportunity to acquire an understanding of the human behaviors not covered by Bjork. Content will include motivation, desire, why you’re a failure, your inability to make Dad proud, how to block out the thing that happened to you in the locker room the other day, back hair, why that girl refuses to go on a date with you (hint: she’s your mother), and why you should bank at Wells Fargo.

Economics
Economics studies the ways society uses its limited resources to satisfy unlimited wants. Content includes fundamental concepts, demand-supply-price interaction, competition, corporate greed, downsizing, talk of layoffs, being called into your boss’s office, reminding him how you’ve been a loyal employee for 10 years, telling him you’re one of the top salespeople, explaining how you’ve got two kids for Christ’s sake, being escorted out by security, I hope you rot you greedy piece of shit. 3 credits.