Gallimaufry: Thank You For Using LinkedIn!

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Thank you for using LinkedIn. Everyone here at LinkedIn truly appreciates your ongoing support, and we hope our site has provided you the tools you need to succeed in business. With that said, we would like to take a moment to introduce some new features to our networking site, ones that we think will come in quite handy, whether you’re an employee or employer.

For instance, employees looking for work may already be familiar with the “Apply Now” button on some of our featured job listings. But we also have a new button for employers called the “You’re Fired” button. With this button, an employer can fire an employee without that awkward face-to-face confrontation. The employer will simply click the “You’re Fired” button on his or her profile page and select the employee to fire. The employee will automatically receive the following message in his/her LinkedIn mailbox:

Dear (Employee’s Name):

Hello! Consider this your official notice that your job has been terminated. Thank you for all the years of service you have dedicated to this company. And thank you for using LinkedIn.

Sincerely,
LinkedIn

P.S. Now that you need a new job, be sure to upgrade to LinkedIn Job Seeker’s Premium Account for just $29.99 a month!

If the terminated employee rushes into your office in a rage, be sure to click the LinkedIn “Security!” button. Our LinkedIn Security Marshals will be there in no time to escort the poor son of a bitch out of the building. How do we get there so fast? Because we’re already there. Every office building has LinkedIn Marshals hidden around the building. Go ahead, take a look. Just kidding! Those guys are like ninjas.

We know what you’re thinking: “Good enough! Thanks, LinkedIn!” Well, that’s simply not good enough for us. Don’t be so complacent.

Are you familiar with Chatroulette? Then get ready to be familiar with Linkedroulette, because this is one feature employees are going to love. Just turn on your webcam, click a button and get ready to be interviewed by a random employer. It could be any employer from any industry! Maybe you’re thinking, “But what if I don’t have any experience in that employer’s industry? How is this supposed to help me?” and to that we can only say this: Christ, you’re a Debbie Downer.

Other new features include LiveBirth—perfect for when you’re just too busy to make it to the hospital to witness the birth of your child. After setting a few PreBirth preferences, simply click “LiveBirth” on your homepage when it’s go-time and witness the birth of your child from the comfort of your own office. Is it a miracle? Nope. It’s LinkedIn.

Here are a few more new features:

  • Uh-oh. You’ve made some mistakes these past few months. Maybe you stole a pen off a coworker’s desk or slept with your boss’s daughter or had a late lunch. Just push the new “Confess” button and an actual priest will IM you your penance. Not Christian? Try pushing the “Convert” button.
  • Let’s face it: You’re busy and you don’t have time to catch up on the latest Ayn Rand-based conversations going on out there. No problem. Presenting LinkedIn’s “Ayn Rand Timeline.” That’s right: we’ll feed into your LinkedIn homepage any and all Facebook and Twitter posts in which someone uses Ayn Rand to make a political statement.
  • Your LinkedIn profile has been stuck at 80% completion for a long time now. Well, it’s about time you bumped up that percentage. Click the “StealIn” button on your profile page and choose any one of your connections. You’ll automatically steal 10 percentage points from that person! Bingo! Your LinkedIn profile is now 90% complete. If the connection gets on your case about how you stole their points, be sure to tell them, “Hey, nothing personal…just business!” If he or she still gets on your case, go ahead and hit that “Security!” button and we’ll take care of everything.

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Again, we at LinkedIn want to thank you for your support. Whether you’re an employee looking for the perfect job or an employer looking to avoid confrontation, good luck in all your business pursuits. Then again, who needs luck when you have LinkedIn!