Gallimaufry: A Compendium Of Compendiums Regarding Wine, Bluff-Calling & English Majors In Prison

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Compendium #1: Wine/Movie Pairings

There are tons of lists that help you pair wine with food. But what about lists that help you pair wine with movies? Well, here it is: the definitive wine-movie pairing list.

Chacayes Malbec 2003
Pairs well with a David Lynch movie. For best results, make sure you pour the Malbec into your Blu-Ray player and drink the David Lynch movie.

Oyster Bay Merlot 2006
To truly enjoy this wine, you need a Magic 8 Ball, the movie Turner & Hooch and a list of phone numbers belonging to your ex-girlfriends or ex-boyfriends (whatever you’re into). I think you know where to go from there. But just in case you don’t, here’s a hint: you’ll also need a wire hanger and three jars of peanut butter (extra crunchy).

Katnook Estate Coonawarra Shiraz 2007
Drink seven glasses of this Shiraz and suddenly There’s Something About Mary becomes funny again. You’re welcome.

Pencarrow Martinborough Pinot Noir 2006
Nothing like grabbing some friends and drinking a little Martinborough while watching 16 Candles, starring Anthony Michael Hall, and then watching the television program “The Dead Zone,” also starring Anthony Michael Hall, and then asking all your friends to compare notes about Anthony Michael Hall, right?

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Compendium #2: I’m Afraid I’m Going To Have To Call Your Bluff

After reading each quote in the list below, you must say aloud the following refrain: “I’m afraid I’m going to have to call your bluff.” It’s that easy.

“I’m going to start writing a novel about—”

“The other day, I was skinny dipping and I got my penis stuck in the swimming pool.”

“We plan on having a Spring wedding.”

“Why, yes, my steep riverbank formed by erosion does have a set of human ears and is a little lonely right now.”

“I was out with the girls.”

“I was out shopping.”

“I was out at Starbucks, having a cup of coffee.”

“Well, I was not with the Italian waiter from that one restaurant.”

“Will you please stop saying that?”

“Seriously, if you don’t stop now, I’m leaving you.”

“…”

“…”

“…”…

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Compendium #3: Things English Majors Experience While Serving Time In Prison

Conjugate visits

Proofreading license plates

12% more melancholy than what they usually experience outside of prison

Lots of time to read and write!

Not much desire to write, though

The “Grammar Hammer”