This Modern Writer: An Open Letter To First Time Authors On A Small Press

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Dear Fellow First Time Authors On A Small Press,

Like you, I have a day job that supports my writing habit.  Like some of you, I also have a spouse who would taser you at the thought of you being away from them for an extended period of time.  Once you become an author on a small press, you must pimp the book and yet, you’ll have those days where the book pimps you and you’ve got the wire hanger marks to prove it.  You’ll watch  Glengarry Glen Ross fifteen times and still not glean the in-person marketing skills needed to earn your cup of coffee.  You’ll have to appear.  In public.  And talk.  To people.  You will have to read your words aloud.  You will most likely be your own agent and publicist. You’ll get really good at recognizing the following signs that indicate your gig is doomed:


1. When an organizer doesn’t release the names of the readers at an event until four days before the event takes place.

2. When an organizer doesn’t try corralling people at said event to come see you read when it’s your time to perform.

3. People molest copies of your books, smile when they read the contents of said book, and yet don’t buy a copy.  Your copies then require counseling and they are not famous enough to be on one of Dr. Drew’s rehab shows.

4. When the venue warns you it’s a bad idea to do a reading at 11 pm on a Saturday and you try any way.

5. When an organizer is pleasantly surprised a handful of people show up at your event despite a football game.

6. When the SWAT team shows up at a crime scene near the venue you are supposed to perform in and they block the street that easily accesses the venue.

7. When your name is J. Bradley.

There is hope.  All your tour expenses are tax deductible as long as you make  $250 during the tour.  You will meet new people and if you are single or amoral, you may get to meet these new people sans clothing.  You will improve your alcohol tolerance.  You may also pick up new and interesting diseases.

Congratulations on your impending failures.  May all of them be spectacular.

Love,

J. Bradley