Breeding and Writing: Awesomely disturbing kids’ books

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–by Tracy Lucas

 

Because you know you have to know.

There are lots of publishers out there with some nauseating stuff, but we’re not talking about Elmo or (god forbid) Spongebob paperbacks and coloring books.

So sick of those. Ugh.

Anyhow, not them.

No, what we’re discussing today, boys and girls, are some supremely messed up, real-life books for kids. These books exist. They are not photoshopped gags–I checked.

Most are even available on Amazon.

First, I give you Bedtime Stories Gone Awry, featuring such awesome titles as I Wish Daddy Didn’t Drink So Much, The House that Crack Built, and Does God Love Michael’s Two Daddies? for starters.  (And um, no, they boldly predict He doesn’t. Of course. Barf.)

In a similar vein, check out 12 Bizarre Books You Won’t Buy.  It’s hilarious. Personally, I think my favorite title has to be It Hurts When I Poop… though Where Willy Went: The Big Story of a Little Sperm is a close second.

But don’t just take my word for it. (Cue Levar with some bad-ass synthesizer music. Sport that banana-clip, Gordie!)

Check out those two links above, because there is cover art to be seen. Oh, yes there is. Some if it you can’t unsee.

Incidentally, researching for this post has quite inspired me. I mean, if people will buy this crap, what wouldn’t they shell out good money for?

I’m browsing this list for my next bestseller. (Okay, it’s the first. But who’s counting? I’m only joking a little bit. Watch for me soon with a picture book at your local Barnes & Noble.) Sample nuggets from the list include You Were an Accident, Grandpa Gets a Casket, Some Kittens Can Fly!, and How to Become the Dominant Military Power in Your Elementary School.

And if you’re still not quite disgusted/amused enough (you’re not!?), check out Cracked’s version of books that should–but thankfully, don’t–exist. And believe me, they get rough. You’ve been duly warned, you sick puppies, you.