Huckster: Two-Page, Annotated Introduction In The Creative Department Employee Manual

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Hello and welcome, new employee in the creative department! Congratulations on getting the new job. Whether you’re an art director, copywriter, designer—whatever—your time here will be quite fruitful.1 Consider this an executive summary of the 1,235-page manual you’re currently holding in your hands.

First off, you should know that you are an important part of this agency. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. If someone does tell you otherwise, just do what the rest of the team does: kill ’em with kindness!2

Yes, you will be an integral part in the creation of the end product. Maybe it’s a television spot or a radio spot. Maybe it’s a print ad.3 You could even be a part of the next huge viral marketing campaign, or something really innovative.4

For big jobs—that is, jobs that involve creating an overall brand/image for a client—you’ll receive a creative brief from account services. This brief will detail everything, from where the client’s brand is now to where they want their brand to be. Demographics and psychographics will also be included.5

You will never have any questions regarding any of the jobs created by the account executive. All questions will be answered in the creative brief.6

(Cont.)

1 Unless, of course, you mess up, in which case it will be quite Spanish-Inquisitional. LOL!

2 Or do what I do: lighten the mood by making a phone-ringing sound. When everyone’s like, What’s the , put a banana to your ear as if—you guessed it—you’re answering the phone! Then, later that night, cry yourself to sleep.

3 Dismiss, if reading this in the year 2015.

4 Maybe something involving animal husbandry?

5 Also, Graphographics (which graphs the people compiling the aforementioned graphs), Gatsbygraphics (which delineates where people in various zip codes stand on the ending to The Great Gatsby), and Celerygraphics (which, of course, divides the population up based on whether they like or dislike spaghetti westerns).

6 Now read this sentence again, but this time in a sarcastic tone.

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More often than not, you’ll throw around ideas with other creatives in your department. But, with that said, there will be times when you’re alone in your office, staring at a blank computer screen while trying to come up with a big idea.7

You should be aware that not everything you create will get produced. There will be times when the client will change his or her mind about a certain job, or when the entire strategy itself changes, subsequently altering the creative output. Fear not—this is normal.9 You’ll probably wonder why the person couldn’t kill the job before you put so much work into it, and the answer to that question is easy.10

If a job is produced, get ready for an exciting adventure! There’s nothing like seeing an idea in its finished state, especially when it actually does move the needle for a client. You’ll probably be just as excited at the prospect of winning an award for the ad!11

Well, that does it for this brief introduction to your new life in the creative department. If you have any questions about this role, feel free to ask your immediate supervisor. Thanks, and be sure to read this book thoroughly, including the appendices, where you’ll find some very useful information.12

7 Of course, you’ll never actually be alone in your office, as each office is equipped with hidden cameras and we can see everything you do.8

8 Right now, you’re looking all around your office for hidden cameras.

9 Also normal: acid buildup, tiny specks of light floating around you, flashback of parents telling you to become a doctor.

10 Answer involves a French press, pack of matches and ethyl alcohol. You can probably take it from there.

11 You narcissistic bastard!

12 Including a completely typed-out resignation letter for when you’ve had enough. Just fill in your name, sign, turn it in, and you’re out!