Huckster: Transcript Of An Ad Agency New-Business Pitch, Part 1: Introducing The Team

Hello, and thank you for letting us pitch your business. Half of the thinking you’re about to hear today will decidedly prove that we are the right advertising agency for you, and the other half will simply blow.

Your.

Mind.

Let me start by introducing myself. My name is William Clarke, and I’m the director of account services. I run this operation the same way I run my home: from afar.

To my left is Sharon. She’s our media buyer. Pisces. Great with numbers. 1, 2, 3, 4—there’s not a number she doesn’t know inside and out. Actually, there is one number: 32. But I guarantee she’ll have that number nailed by the time you decide to make us your agency of record. Thirty-two. Seems like an easy number till you sit down and think about it. Try saying that number slowly: Thir. Tee. Two. See what I mean?

Jimmy on my right here is our creative director. I know what you’re thinking, and yes: he’s adopted. If you choose our agency, Jimmy will be overseeing all your creative. He’ll be overseeing it like a well-oiled machine, in fact, and don’t think I’m making that oil reference because of his slick Italian hair. That’s just coincidence. One thing you might not know about Jimmy is he has a serrated tongue.

Folks, I’m not going to sugarcoat things. Glenn over here is the best damn PR guy this side of the Mississippi, which I believe is a river. I’m not kidding around here: Best. P. R. Period. Not much of a father from what I hear, but at least his 4-year-old can tell his friends at school that his dad is the best PR man money can buy, if that 4-year-old even has friends, which is doubtful. You’d know what I mean if you saw him. Timmy, I think the kid’s name is.

Something else you might not know about Glenn: his wife has been cheating on him for two weeks now. Glenn has no idea. Pictured: her lover's car.

I’ve got one more person to introduce to you and she goes by the name of Janet. One thing you might not know about Janet: she’s six out of the eight things Steve Miller claims to be in that one song “The Joker.” But: she promises to fulfill the other two if you choose our agency. You know, they say passing a kidney stone is like giving birth to a child, and only Janet among us knows for sure. Janet is an account executive.

Now, you’re probably wondering a lot of things right now. Like, how are we different from the other agencies pitching your business? Well, we’re about to deliver the goods just as soon as all of us strip down, as is customary for agency new-business pitches.

Ladies. Gentlemen. Strip.

To be continued…