Author: M. Bartley Seigel

Who is the biggest and the strongest?

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Photo 25

You are when you wear your brand new PANK t-shirt. PANK builds strong bones and muscle. PANK turns your body and mind into a well oiled machine. Drink one glass of PANK at breakfast, another at lunch, and sport a spiffy PANK t-shirt for a leaner meaner you.

Be the tenth paying customer  at the PANK store (buy anything!)  and get a free t-shirt (a $20 value!) with your order, just like the one this meat head is wearing.  Go time!

We’ll announce the winner when they win.  Don’t forget to give Paypal a current email address so we can contact you for your size.

This Modern Writer: Blurbs of Myself by Marc Schuster

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I don’t read books, I just read blurbs, and Marc Schuster’s are the best in the business!  – Lance Caldecott, internet lurker and blurb connoisseur

I contacted The New Yorker. I contacted the Times. I even contacted my local paper, but would any of them even LOOK at my book? NOOOOO! But Small Press Reviews did. Thank you, Marc Schuster, for acknowledging my existence!  – Ned Bynum, self-published author of Down Off the Ledge: How I Came to Love Myself Despite All the Bullshit

Marc Schuster is a whore in the best sense of the word. He’ll read your book and review it on your terms—not some lame, arbitrary aesthetic principles you pulled out of your ass. I’M TALKING TO YOU, MICHIKO KAKUTANI! WHY WON’T YOU RETURN MY CALLS?  – Irene Morgan, publicist

At this point, I owe Marc seven cases of beer and a sloppy, wet kiss on the lips—with tongue! Plain and simple, Marc is the man!  – Barry Graham, editor and publisher

Marc Schuster missed the point of my book entirely, but he compared me to Thomas Pynchon! Do you believe it? Thomas F-ing Pynchon!  – David Prior, author of The Yoke of the Horde

Embarrassingly effusive! Generous to a fault! Is this guy some kind of leper? Does he need friends that bad? I haven’t even finished writing my book yet, and he’s already posted the review. I mean, really—WTF?  – Audrey Corcoran, poet

[Schuster’s] reviews melt into blurb-speak like butter on popcorn. His gift for the pithy turn of phrase is matched only by his desire to see his name in print—on books, on blogs, on police blotters. Honestly, there’s nothing this guy won’t do for a little recognition.  – Name Withheld, Marc’s Parole Officer

Twelve shades of purple– Nebulous to the extreme– Do these blurbs mean anything? Anything at all?  – Kerri Schuster, Marc’s wife

Marc Schuster blurbs for the sheer love of blurbing. Books, movies, music—you name it, he’ll blurb the hell out of it. Hell, he’s even blurbing this blurb right now—and it’s a blurb about blurbs! That’s how much he loves to blurb.  –Marc Schuster, blurbist

Even if God had an infinite number of fingers and toes, He or She or It could never calculate the sheer awesomeness of Marc’s blurbs. The man is a genius who lives and breathes the juicy bon mot, a man of the people with a good word for even the most obscure among us.  –Tom Powers, co-author of The Greatest Show in the Galaxy

Seriously, though, did he even read the book?  – David Prior, aforementioned author of The Yoke of the Horde

Marc Schuster is the Editor of  Small Press Reviews and the Associate Fiction Editor of  Philadelphia Stories magazine. When he isn’t obsessing over his role in the world of small presses, he teaches English at Montgomery County Community College in Blue Bell, Pennsylvania.

FWD: To Think. To Write. To Publish.

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A program for “next generation” writers of any genre with an interest in science and technology. Learn creative nonfiction techniques. Develop and pitch ideas to book and magazine editors and literary agents. Publish your work. Featuring two intense days of writing, highlighted by an intimate and practical workshop with Lee Gutkind, author and editor of Creative Nonfiction Magazine and a conversation with New York Times science writer, Gina Kolata and Vice President and senior editor for Free Press, Leslie Meredith.

Participants will enjoy an all expenses paid, five day retreat as the guest of the Consortium fro Science, Policy & Outcomes at Arizona State University, including a stay at the Mission Palms Hotel, Tempe, Arizona, plus a $500 honorarium.

Application deadline is March 15, 2010.  For more details see here. Questions? Contact 2think2write2publish@gmail.com. Or to simply apply, send a bio and letter of interest to CSPO@asu.edu.

DOGZPANK @ AWP!

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Have we reminded you recently about the DOGZPANK reading during the Denver AWP in April? Have we done that? Have we?

Where:  Forest Room 5

When: Thursday, April 8, at 7:30 pm.

Who:  Aaron Burch,  Beth Thomas,  Tim Jones-Yelvington,  JA Tyler,  Erin Fitzgerald,  Molly Gaudry,  Kathy Fish,  Angi Becker Stevens,  Matt Salesses,  Pedro Ponce,  Dave Clapper,  Jac Jemc,  Lauren Becker, and Nicolle Elizabeth.

Seriously people, pencil it in, be there.

This Modern Writer: Dozing on Awolowo Road by Gbenga Awomodu

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Every day I go to work on the bus with the other sleepers, workers whose days begin early, whose commutes are long. We sleep when we can. Some people complain about their working conditions. Some swear never to return to their offices again. But the next day we are up together before the sun. Look, there, even the bank executive sleeps in the back of his car while his driver faces down Lagos for him, like our driver who faces Lagos for us. For family. For nation. For love. For love, we are up for work before the sun.

And as often, home after it sets. At 4:30 in the afternoon I quickly shut down my workstation, gather my belongings, hurry down the stairs from my third floor office, and rush into the evening traffic on Idowu Taylor. At the Engineering bus stop the waiting crowd is eager to board the next available bus. If I don’t catch a bus by 4:40, it’s best to try IGI where I am likely to get a bus without struggling so bitterly. But today I am lucky; I get a spot at 4:37.

Maneuvering through the afternoon traffic, the driver takes a right turn, then a left, crosses the bridge at Muri Okunola Park, and takes the bus onto Awolowo Road. I am not comfortable with confinement. Neither am I patient. There is music on the stereo. The colors of the old bus — green on the bottom half, white on the top — continue to fade. Exhaust soot in every nook and cranny. Then I see her in front of me.

In front of me is a young woman, dark, in a made-in-Naija, Chelsea FC jersey. She is armed with a round wooden plank on which she has undoubtedly sold bread all day on the streets of Lagos. She has done this despite crackdowns on street vending. The bread seller is tired. She sleeps. Her head gyrates, springs sideways, back and forth, her neck elastic as an old spring. I am scared to the teeth that her neck will break, that her head will snap off and roll onto the floor. Occasionally, she shakes her head profusely like a fainting fowl, like the  kameti Salah rams who butt heads and must retreat to shake off the pressure and clear their addled heads. Then she succumbs again to the demands of her day. And tomorrow? Tomorrow, like all of us, she will do it again.

Gbenga Awomodu is a freelance writer and editor based in Lagos, Nigeria.

Did you know that PANK accepts submissions?

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Given the number of submissions we get every day, many of you clearly do. What you probably don’t know is that we answered the call today and took off our gloves. You think you’ve got PANK? If it’s PANK, we’ll publish it. Any length. Any form or formlessness. Bring it.

Submit to PANK Magazine  here.

Submit to PANK Chapbook Series  here.

You can’t right now, but before long you’ll be able to submit to 1,001 Awesome Words  here.

Submit to This Modern Writer  here.

Chapbook Reading Period Open

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We are again open for chapbook submissions.

PANK is seeking chapbook manuscripts in any genre, cross- or  mixed-. To know what excites us and what doesn’t, read PANK Magazine, then show us something we haven’t seen before.

Our first chapbook, Aaron Burch’s HOW TO TAKE YOURSELF APART, HOW TO MAKE YOURSELF ANEW is available now.

The winning manuscript will be published in July and the winning writer will receive $250, payable upon publication, and 25 copies of their chapbook.

In addition to an exactingly designed and produced artifact, PANK will work tirelessly to promote your work and the winning chapbook will be sold wherever PANK Magazine is sold. We anticipate a print run of 500 copies with a four-color cover, perfect bound with an ISBN. We will also create a promotional website for the winning chapbook.

The Gritty:

  • Manuscripts should be 36-60 pages in length, double-spaced. Please paginate, and include a Table of Contents (if necessary).
  • If your manuscript includes images, they will be rendered in black and white.
  • If individual works have been previously published, please clearly indicate at the beginning of your manuscript, when and where each piece has appeared for proper acknowledgment.
  • Multiple submissions are welcome but there is a separate reading fee for each submission.
  • The reading fee is $20 to help offset printing costs. This is a necessary evil. Paper is expensive. To pay the reading fee, go here and select Chapbook Entry Fee.
  • Make a note of your Transaction ID. You will need to submit a transaction ID with your chapbook entry.
  • E-mail, as an attachment, a .doc version of your chapbook to awesome@pankmagazine.com with the subject line PANK CHAPBOOK COMPETITION. Include your PayPal transaction ID in the body of the email along with a brief bio and your preferred contact information.
  • DEADLINE April 15, 2010.
  • Good luck! We’re looking forward to reading your manuscripts.
  • Questions? Drop an e-mail to awesome at pankmagazine.com.