Funk that shift, you shift-for-brains Mister Funkster.
Count
What a funky count.
Hiss
Crock
Mass
Dan
Dan Ick
Got Dan
Got Dan Ick
Pits
If that shifthead Mister Funkster keeps staring at my wife’s got Dan pits…Oh, you were just reading her t-shirt?
Got Dan, we got shiftfaced last night.
I’m losing patience with this crocksucker; now he keeps staring at my wife’s mass…Oh, yes. I agree; that is an interesting logo on the seat of her jeans.
Nigel (mispronounced so that it rhymes with Miguel)
You know you my Nigel.
What up, my Nigel?
You’se a fine Mister Funkster; why don’tcha back that mass up.
Submissions are now open for  PANK’s second  special issue featuring Queer prose, poetry & art, guest edited by Tim Jones-Yelvington. Submit fiction, poetry, art and unidentified or hybrid literary text objects  by September 1, 2011 through the special issue submission manager:  http://pankmagazine.submishmash.com/Submit.
We are open to any of the following and especially those things we haven’t thought of. But these are not guidelines. There are no guidelines. This shit is Queer.
~Work by, about or representing Queer people of color, women, trans folk, poor Queers, Queers with disabilities, homeless Queers, immigrant Queers, incarcerated Queers, Queers involved in sex work and other street economies, and others who bring the Queer.
~Work that explores the relationship between formal/aesthetic innovation and Queer identities and experiences.
~Queer heterosexuality.
~â€ÂRealist,â€Â “experimental,â€Â “magical realist/irrealist/fabulist, etc.â€Â writing conscious of language and form.
~Queer avant-garde.
~Graphic sex and violence, and/or the grotesque.
~Appropriations, transformations or recontextualizations of existing writers or texts.
~What  PANK would publish anyway because that’s what  PANK does.
Many creatives are reluctant to answer (truthfully) the question, “From where do you get your ideas?†Sure, they might provide an answer, but rarely to do they provide the truth: that they get their ideas from a muse. Every creative’s muse is different, but, generally speaking, muses can fall into three different types of personalities categorized as Type X, Type Y and Type Z. Below, you’ll find descriptions for each of these types, something never before released.
Type X Muse
(Common names: Kallias, Matthais, Natasa, Gary)
The best way to sum up the Type X Muse is with these five words: feel-good movie of the year. If Tom Hanks and Julia Roberts had a baby while Steve Winwood’s “Higher Love†was playing in the background, then this muse would be the offspring. That’s the good part. The bad part is, this type of muse’s timing is unpredictable. It also has poor dental hygiene, although this doesn’t affect the creative much. Also, nine out of ten times, this type of muse will spontaneously combust.
Favorite food: Lasagna!
Hates: Nothing! Except maybe hatred!
Loves: The 80’s.
Always wearing: Sperry Topsiders and a smile.
Favorite movie: Requiem For A Dream.
Type Y Muse
(Common names: Qunitus, Cicero, Lucius, Qunitus-Cicero-Lucius)
The Type Y Muse has many things going for it as well as many things going against it. Probably more things going against it. It doesn’t have some of the standard features of the Type X and Type Z muses. For instance, Type Y Muse can not fly, whereas Type X can fly (via a nitro-powered jetpack) and Type Z can fly (via wings made from the feathers of the now extinct dodo bird). However, what Type Y lacks in flight is more than made up for in its ability to lure and coax large ungulates. “So what?†you might be thinking, and it’s only natural to have this reaction. But consider this: when an artist is feeling blocked and having trouble with a project, nothing can break down that bothersome blockade like a menagerie of hoofed animals.
Favorite pastime: Frolicking.
Diet: Vegan, except for a once-a-month indulgance in pork rolls.
What kind of coffee would it be if it were a coffee: Illy Expresso Roast.
Pet Peeves: Sink full of dishes!
Type Z Muse
(Common name: Jack Thoroughbred.)
The Type Z Muse is, by far, the most powerful muse of the bunch. He or she (or, most typically, he-she) provides extreme inspiration in a vigorous manner. Some would say perhaps too vigorous, while still others say not vigorous enough. I guess the point is, everybody’s different. But can you imagine a world where everyone was the same? That would be a boring world. As mentioned earlier, this muse has wings. Unfortunately, it also has a self-identity problem, which it’s trying to resolve but is just too busy trying to help you out, so give it a break, okay?
Hobbies: Windsurfing.
Favorite game: Sid Meier’s Civilization.
Constantly visiting: McSweeney’s Internet Tendencies.
Mustard: Stone ground.
History: Deleted.
Cache: Emptied.
I find myself tired and sick today; and sick and tired every day. I have theories about women and a certain kind of sensitivity. Women and a certain kind of sickness, especially stomach sickness. Women and what is and isn’t digestible in the world. What sickens the body. What cannot be tolerated.
*
Thinking about a much-older cousin of mine in the Netherlands, whom I haven’t yet been able to meet. She was very close to my dead father, who hid her in his home in the Philippines, just before she fled the country. The Marcos regime was killing off people like her. She continues to live in political exile.
*
Thinking about Jose Maria Sison, poet, former CCP founder, current National Democratic Front Chief Political Consultant, current political refugee. Joma Sison, who left the Philippines after the end of the Marcos Regime, for the Netherlands.
Joma Sison, who in 2007 was arrested by the Dutch government working in co-operation with the Arroyo regime, already famed for its widespread, state-sponsored, extrajudicial killings, particularly of peasants protesting corporate land grabs, students, activists, Communist and NPA (New People’s Army) members, sympathizers or suspected sympathizers. The reason given for Sison’s arrest was his “suspected involvement” with three assassinations in the Philippines, all his assets frozen.
The day Sison was arrested, several homes of his fellow exiles and community organizers were also broken into and searched by the Dutch National Criminal Investigation Unit, without warrants. During the raid of her home, Sison’s wife, Julie de Lima-Sison asked for the search warrant; two or three of the men on the team claimed that in the Netherlands, a search warrant was not necessary. To search without a warrant was “legal.” A judge later appeared on the scene, to “officiate” over the process. (Body of one who practices the law suffices as substitute for law itself?)
Thinking of Joma Sison, placed by the Dutch court into solitary confinement, denied access to his prescription medication and, according to DEFEND, tortured in the same penitentiary where Nazi soldiers tortured Dutch resistance fighters.
End of the story, beginning of the story: the court had no evidence. If anything, evidence surfaced that in 1999 and 2000, there had been two assassination attempts orchestrated by the Philippine government, on Sison’s life. Sison was released. A Luxembourg court removed him from the EU terrorist list and reversed the decision to freeze his assets, claiming that EU governments had breached European law by not informing Sison why his assets had been frozen in the first place, under the EU’s anti-terrorism laws. The United States still considers him a terrorist.
Congratulations to Brian Allen Carr for winning the Texas Observer fiction contest. We’d also like to congratulate Brad Green for placing as a finalist for his outstanding story Fixing Mrs. Fritz, which I have read. If you are an editor out there, you want to grab this story up immediately. It’s the best story you haven’t read. You can read the winning entry and see the work of the other finalists here.
Press Board Press features five new poems from J. Bradley who also has a new chapbook out from Deckfight Press.
It’s that time of year again – the Hollywood Fringe Festival, a ten-day live theater festival compromising more than 800 performances and events held in venues throughout Hollywood. As someone with (as of four weeks ago) two children, I turned my attention this year to the Fringe Family selections. I also chatted with writer Rick Balian and his friend Judy Bryant about the Fringe entry “Steal Away,” a children’s history of Bryant’s great-great-grand aunt, Harriet Tubman.
Balian was originally commissioned by a theater in New York to write a play about Harriet Tubman that could tour in schools. As part of his research, he met Judy Bryant, one of Tubman’s great-great grandnieces (Tubman had no children of her own).
“When I handed in my outline for the play,” Balian said, “it was as if the artistic director of the theater suddenly realized there were black people in the story. I was told that it was difficult to find black actors because all the good ones were working. The project fell through. But I had all this research! And Harriet was such a big part of my life by then. I wanted to add my voice to hers in order to extend its reach a little. I considered doing a documentary about the Tubman descendants, but then decided that I really wanted to do a play about Harriet.”
Balian approached Melody Brooks, artistic director of New Perspectives Theatre Company, and the play was included in their World Voices program.
I asked Balian what made the story of Harriet Tubman a popular one with children’s media.
“I really don’t know why Harriet’s story is adapted so often for kids,” he says. “It’s certainly got something to do with her perseverance and courage — qualities that parents, teachers, and school boards like to make sure kids get a solid dose of. But Harriet’s life was also filled with violence, abuse, and deprivation. I felt it wouldn’t be honest to overlook those things. And I also wanted to add humor. From what I’ve read, it sure seems that Harriet had a sense of humor.
“The point of this play is not that slavery is wrong. I think that by now we all know that. So I presented other lessons, with slavery as a background. I tried to make Harriet’s struggles relatable to kids. She wasn’t born a superhero. She wasn’t granted special powers by radiation or a yellow sun. She was someone who wanted to make things better. She did what she could. We can all do that.
“My approach to telling Harriet’s story was greatly influenced by talks with my friend Judy Bryant . . . Judy pointed out that no one talks about Harriet’s day-to-day life; that it’s important not to overlook the fact that most of Harriet’s days weren’t spent rescuing people from slavery or doing any of the number of incredible feats that she is famous for. Most of the time, Harriet was helping to provide for her family and loved ones.”
“Steal Away” employs a combination of live actors and puppets, a popular choice in children’s theater. This allows Balian to expand the number of characters in the play without costly additions to the touring cast, while also softening some of the play’s inherently violent subject matter.
Other than portraying acts of violence on puppets or off-stage, what constraints does a family audience impose?
“The vocabulary has to be adjusted to the age group,” Balian said. But “the biggest challenge now is that there is less entertainment that includes kids and parents. ‘Family entertainment’ is becoming a code word for ‘dropping the kids off to see something while I do something else.’ I feel it’s important to have a shared experience, and that’s something that theater can provide . . . I write for adults and young adults as well as kids. I’ve found that kids and adults often respond to the same things.”
Bryant will be attending some of the Los Angeles performances. She explains, “I live in the house where my mother was born. Built around 1901 by her grandfather, Wm H Stewart, Jr. I have many family letters, scrapbooks, documents and photographs which my mother, grandmother and great grandparents had saved. When I moved back in the mid-1980s after living away from home for 30 years, my mother was working on our family tree which she had been doing on and off for years together with other cousins. I became interested and sort of picked up where she left off.
“Nothing that I discovered, but some years later Kate Larson’s research uncovered William Still’s account of the Christmas eve 1854 escape of Tubman’s three brothers who were renamed from Ross to Stewart. Many people never connected the Stewart name to Tubman and assumed she lived alone in Auburn when in fact she was surrounded by family members, including at her death.”
Growing up, Bryant says, “When my mother was a child, she said the family rarely talked about Tubman’s life because it evoked too many painful reminders of a past they were trying to forget. They all succeeded in creating new realities for themselves.”
—
Those in L.A. can check out “Steal Away” on June 18, 19, 24, and 25; Saturdays at 10:00 a.m. and Sundays at 2:00 p.m. For more on the Hollywood Fringe Festival, head here.
It’s that time of year again – the Hollywood Fringe Festival, a ten-day live theater festival compromising more than 800 performances and events held in venues throughout Hollywood. As someone with (as of four weeks ago) two children, I turned my attention this year to the Fringe Family selections. I also chatted with writer Rick Balian and his friend Judy Bryant about the Fringe entry “Steal Away,” a children’s history of Bryant’s great-great-grand aunt, Harriet Tubman.
Balian was originally commissioned by a theater in New York to write a play about Harriet Tubman that could tour in schools. As part of his research, he met Judy Bryant, one of Tubman’s great-great grandnieces (Tubman had no children of her own).
“When I handed in my outline for the play,” Balian said, “it was as if the artistic director of the theater suddenly realized there were black people in the story. I was told that it was difficult to find black actors because all the good ones were working. The project fell through. But I had all this research! And Harriet was such a big part of my life by then. I wanted to add my voice to hers in order to extend its reach a little. I considered doing a documentary about the Tubman descendants, but then decided that I really wanted to do a play about Harriet.”
Balian approached Melody Brooks, artistic director of New Perspectives Theatre Company, and the play was included in their World Voices program.
I asked Balian what made the story of Harriet Tubman a popular one with children’s media.
“I really don’t know why Harriet’s story is adapted so often for kids,” he says. “It’s certainly got something to do with her perseverance and courage — qualities that parents, teachers, and school boards like to make sure kids get a solid dose of. But Harriet’s life was also filled with violence, abuse, and deprivation. I felt it wouldn’t be honest to overlook those things. And I also wanted to add humor. From what I’ve read, it sure seems that Harriet had a sense of humor.
“The point of this play is not that slavery is wrong. I think that by now we all know that. So I presented other lessons, with slavery as a background. I tried to make Harriet’s struggles relatable to kids. She wasn’t born a superhero. She wasn’t granted special powers by radiation or a yellow sun. She was someone who wanted to make things better. She did what she could. We can all do that.
“My approach to telling Harriet’s story was greatly influenced by talks with my friend Judy Bryant . . . Judy pointed out that no one talks about Harriet’s day-to-day life; that it’s important not to overlook the fact that most of Harriet’s days weren’t spent rescuing people from slavery or doing any of the number of incredible feats that she is famous for. Most of the time, Harriet was helping to provide for her family and loved ones.”
“Steal Away” employs a combination of live actors and puppets, a popular choice in children’s theater. This allows Balian to expand the number of characters in the play without costly additions to the touring cast, while also softening some of the play’s inherently violent subject matter.
Other than portraying acts of violence on puppets or off-stage, what constraints does a family audience impose?
“The vocabulary has to be adjusted to the age group,” Balian said. But “the biggest challenge now is that there is less entertainment that includes kids and parents. ‘Family entertainment’ is becoming a code word for ‘dropping the kids off to see something while I do something else.’ I feel it’s important to have a shared experience, and that’s something that theater can provide . . . I write for adults and young adults as well as kids. I’ve found that kids and adults often respond to the same things.”
Bryant will be attending some of the Los Angeles performances. She explains, “I live in the house where my mother was born. Built around 1901 by her grandfather, Wm H Stewart, Jr. I have many family letters, scrapbooks, documents and photographs which my mother, grandmother and great grandparents had saved. When I moved back in the mid-1980s after living away from home for 30 years, my mother was working on our family tree which she had been doing on and off for years together with other cousins. I became interested and sort of picked up where she left off.
“Nothing that I discovered, but some years later Kate Larson’s research uncovered William Still’s account of the Christmas eve 1854 escape of Tubman’s three brothers who were renamed from Ross to Stewart. Many people never connected the Stewart name to Tubman and assumed she lived alone in Auburn when in fact she was surrounded by family members, including at her death.”
Growing up, Bryant says, “When my mother was a child, she said the family rarely talked about Tubman’s life because it evoked too many painful reminders of a past they were trying to forget. They all succeeded in creating new realities for themselves.”
—
Those in L.A. can check out “Steal Away” on June 18, 19, 24, and 25; Saturdays at 10:00 a.m. and Sundays at 2:00 p.m. For more on the Hollywood Fringe Festival, head here.
I can’t hear you; the congregation’s gotten shy all of a sudden? It don’t matter that you don’t know what I’m about to say. Just say Amen.
If Jesus come down here and ask you to say Amen, you telling me you gonna say, “I think I’ll wait and see what he has to say?†No, you say Amen.
What you don’t understand is that my anointment is an appointment. Better yet, it’s ointment and you better rub it into your skin and your jointments. Yes.
Better come get you some of this spiritual Ben Gay. This some Ultra Strength Pain Relief, Christ is like Ben Gay: Stronger Than Pain. Yes.
Oh, now the congregation is clapping and nodding and hollering. Ah, yesh, yesh, that Bishop Bling is a mighty fine feller there. That’s what you saying now. But there is a lot of talk going round. The church people got a lot of yapping about stuff, but they don’t want to get in my face and say it so they whispering. Just like they whispering about my brother in Christ, Bishop Eddie Long. Yes, I hears the talk. Ain’t nothing wrong with Eddie, he just had some young wards. If Bruce Wayne can have a young ward why can’t a righteous man of God have some young wards. Heck, even I got a young ward. You want to yap about me?
But that’s not what most of the complaints is about. You think I don’t hears the complaints, but I do. Yes, I am like the Lord, I hears all and sees all. They saying, I got a little problem with Bishop Bling putting all that product placement in the sermons.
All that talk might mess you up. Might send you right to Hell. And it’s only a small portion of you. I know it’s 20,000 people I got here every Sunday–even more watching on the TV and the internet–but it’s only a few hundred of you got mess to talk.
The rest of the congregation echoes the words of Ezekial 23, Chapter 15: Ba da bop ba ba. McDonald’s, I’m loving it.
Let the people of the Lord say I’m loving it!
Alright, that’s more like it.
Now I want to get back to my friend, Bishop Eddie and all the talk the devil got some of you doing about him, because it’s all connected. I hear the jokes. You calling him Bishop Eddie Longstroke. What does Eddie Long call his youth ministry? The Harem. That’s one of the jokes y’all is making. You saying that he settled out of court with the boys that accused him of touching them wrong and part of the settlement is that he is now forbidden to take pictures of his self in muscle shirts before the bathroom mirror.
Now that’s cold. But guess what, he’s anointed. He’s appointed. And he’s going straight to Heaven. When you anointed, that mean you can do whatever you want and you still going to Heaven. God is his Allstate Insurance, he’s in good hands. And Allstate got home insurance policies starting at $9.99 a month. You can get more details in the back of the church after the service. So joke all you want, but Bishop Eddie’s still rich. And after you makes your jokes, you go back to your miserable broke lives and Eddie Longstroke got the dollar bills to keep him company and that’s because of the Lord.
Let the people say, You’re in Good hands with Allstate.
Yes. Yes. Yes. Good hands. Now, people of the body of Christ, God wants you to wear alligators on your feets. He wants you to wear Rolex, the timeless luxury watch on your wrists. He wants you to eat Big Macs down at your local eatery for a low price of two for $2.22. If you got the wealth that the Lord wants you to have you can buy a whole lot of them at that low price. But to get all of this stuff, you can’t be talking bad about the anointed. You can’t be asking questions of your pastors. And you also got to pay your tithes. You want that Gucci purse? The Lord says you must give me 10 percent of your gross earnings, Don’t be trying to give me the net. That’s Lucifer all up in your ear. Give me your gross earnings.
See, tithing is all about blessings. It says right there in Job, Chapter 3, Verse 14 “And the Lord saw that fool slippin’ and God pointed a gun in his direction and said, ‘Break thy self, fool.’ And the Lord thy God did take from that fool ten percent of his money, but He returned it to him sevenfold.â€
In other words, when you give up your tithes to the church, you receive it back sevenfold. Sound like a good deal to me. I see some of y’all is skeptical. But I tell ya, I give the church 10 percent of what I earn and look at me. I’m doing well. I drive a Bentley. Yes! Got a $4 million house. Yes! Got a plane. Yes! Even got a butler named Alfred, a cave and a young ward named Dick, but I calls him Robin. Yes!
How you think I got all them blessings? Well, body of Christ, the church gives me the bread of Heaven and I pay back 10 percent in tithes. Some of you say, Well, that’s our money you tithing and I say, Well, how soon do the people of God forget. It’s not your money. You gave it to Christ. And Christ himself anointed me. I knew the boy Christ from back home in Detroit. I was standing out on the street and He came up to me and said, “Brother Bling,”–and yes ‘Bling’ is my real name–He said, “Brother Bling, make your next move your best move. Choose me.” And I chose Christ and then He told me to hold his money until He come back.
And my Lord is coming back! Any day now and what you gonna tell him? That you held back when Bishop Bling was asking for His cash?
It’s time for you all to get proactive. I ain’t talking about the word, I’m talking about the skin product. You people of Christ are looking mighty pimply out there.
Let me hear the people say, Be Proactiv.
It’s now faster and gentler than before. Just like Bishop Eddie Long.
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