the unfirm line – Miracle Legion

“One day the stone will roll away, and soon you’ll see.”
All For the Best, Miracle Legion.

I am always a sucker for words that reference old Bible stories. As a bonus, also wrapped up in this piece is man pleading “say you love me” as well as some advice to a child “not to do the things I’ve done.” It really can not get much better.

Mark 16:3 – “And they said among themselves, Who shall roll us away the stone from the door of the sepulchre?”

I memorized that verse as a child, and it has stuck with me to this day. Why? Well, I wanted to be the one who rolled away the stone. Revelation and experience, the first sense of a miracle. To breathe in the air and take a piece of it forever.

I don’t pray much. But tonight I pray for Mark Mulcahy.

Happy Birthday Lidia Yuknavitch

Yours is The Book generations of women will press to a beat beneath their left tit as they brave college classrooms the first time, or the next time, or the last time even; it’s with them between classes, between sentences, on lunch breaks and trains; they’ll read your book alongside bodies of water and stoking fires and confronting rage; before and after every other book they’re told to read; they’ll slip out bedroom windows, from negligees, from beneath the dead weight  of shame; they’ll read your book around campfires and by flashlight and sitting on benches in the heat of day; they’ll pass it to each other with love notes and lip prints like arrows that point the way. By now, they’ve memorized passages. Words in mind like ink on skin.  

They’re prepared to write-the-good-fight now feeling not only the rhythm your book lent us but the courage you gave.

Some Announcements, Friends

This month we have two exciting issues. First up, is our regular June issue featuring writing from Thomas Kearnes, Joshua Helms, Ken Poyner, Hazel Foster, Jan Stinchomb, Mike Meginnis, Karrie Waarala, Keith Taylor, Karen Skofield, Alexis Pope, Christopher Newgent, Jessica Hollander, Aubrey Hirsch, Sarah Maria Griffin, Myfanway Collins, Caroline Crew, Kelly Boyker, Virgina Lee Boyker and last but never least, James Tadd Adcox. This is a damn fine issue. As our Twitter friend Lam Pham said re: the June 2011 issue of PANK, “Possibly my favorite. Stunning.” We couldn’t agree more. Start with Baboon by Jan Stinchomb and work your way through the issue from there. Everything is worth a look.

Our special issue, London Calling, edited by Kirsty Logan, will debut on 6/27 and you’re going to love the selection of work Kirsty has chosen for you.

We’re closed to regular submissions until 9/1/11. We love being open to submissions year round but this summer we’re travelling quite a bit and considering a vacation and can’t keep up with submissions as well as we’d like. We are still open and responding as usual to submissions for Little Books, This Modern Writer, and Special Issues, all of which are handled now through Submishmash.If you submitted recently, your work is still under consideration and you will hear from us shortly. Thanks for your patience!

Speaking of submissions, there’s all kinds of work that goes on behind the scenes. We want to give a shout out to our silent army of readers who make it possible for us to respond within two weeks (give or take)  and give your work the careful consideration it deserves. These wonderful folks are Brad Green (assistant editor, extraordinaire who also has taken over assembling monthly online issues), Brett Elizabeth Jenkins, Sara Crowley, Robb Todd, Court Merrigan, Brandi Wells, Joe Stracci,  Joseph Michael Owens, the PANK interns (who are so much more) Abby Koski, Alyssa Friske, and Kirsten Warstler, and readers emeritus, Tanya Jarrett, Doug Paul Case, and Ashley Ford.  They are Awesome with a Capital A!

Ethel Rohan’s Hard to Say is selling quickly. Her lovely book is available in both paperback and e-book formats. Go here to order your copy now. Buy one for a friend! Share the love.

Huckster: Things (About The Advertising Industry And Those Who Work In It) I’ve Yet To Overhear At A Party

“I think it’s just a matter of time before someone in advertising wins the Nobel Peace Prize.”
………………

“Copywriter, huh? Is he single?”
………………

“Well, for starters, I feel like the deadlines could be tighter.”
………………

“It was either this, a fireman or a policeman, as far as my childhood dream jobs went.”
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“He’s choking, somebody call an interactive art director!”
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“I just want to kick back, relax and work in the traffic department.”
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“Was it SEAL Team Six or the public relations department? I’m thinking the latter?”
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“Good news: the production meeting is still on.”
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“…and the office curse jar is still empty, so there’s no money there….”
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“Ryan Reynolds, Johnny Depp, an advertising professional, and Bradley Cooper.”
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“…so I said, ‘Doctor Schmockter. I want a creative director to deliver this baby and I want him in here now!’”
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“Call 9-1-1 or the Miami Ad School, and hurry!”
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“It’s all about coasting through life, man. Getting into advertising and coasting through life.”

Somewhat Ineffective Jokes About Your Mother

Your mother’s so ugly that many people find her very, very unattractive.

*

Your mother’s feet have so many corns, that she should probably see a podiatrist. Perhaps the foot doctor can prescribe something to clear that up.

*

Your mother’s so fat that she could stand to lose 20 or 30 pounds, but she should totally do it for her self and not to please her husband, children or any of her many relatives and friends. She should do it because it’s what she wants and because it’s the best way to improve her health.

*

Your mother’s had sex with so many guys that she probably reflects fondly on the rebelliousness and promiscuity of her youth. Good for her.

*

Your mother is such a bitch that she gave birth to a litter of puppies and since you are one of those puppies, my use of the word ‘bitch’ is not degrading in the least, in fact, it is the most accurate term for describing your mother.

*

Your mother is so dark that she can be described as chocolate, dark chocolate or nutmeg. There are other descriptors that are apt, many food inspired. Though many—such as ebony—are not food inspired at all. This is not meant to be insulting toward your mother, just an observation. Making fun of a person for a having a dark complexion is racist if you do not have a dark skin tone and reveals a deep self-hatred if you do. In truth, there are probably just as many beautiful dark skinned people as there are unattractive people with dark skin tones. And of course, there are no objective standards of beauty. Furthermore, the prevailing beauty standards weren’t created by people who look like your mother and it could be argued that those standards are propagated as an argument for the superiority of the dominant culture over all others. I’ve always found myself attracted to dark-skinned women, but hey, that’s just me. Not saying that I’m attracted to your mother. I don’t have much of an opinion on what your mother’s complexion does for her looks, but I will say that her skin tone is nice and even, which many people find attractive. Your father seems to like it and she is happy with herself; that’s all that really matters anyway. That’s all I’m saying.

*

Your mother is what they call a MILF: Mother I’ll Learn From.

*

Your mother’s breath smells so bad that she should consider flossing daily, brushing her tongue or using a tongue-scraper and rinsing with mouthwash twice a day. I’d recommend Listerine; it’s done wonders for me.

*

Your mother’s butt is so big that she walks in an awkward manner. In many cultures—such as my own—this is considered an attractive trait. I’m sorry if pointing this out makes you uncomfortable.

*

Your mother’s bi-focals are so thick that I imagine the rapid deterioration of her vision was emotionally painful for her.

*

I wouldn’t say your mother is stupid, but she does, at times, seem to be lacking in intellectual intelligence, which is fine because she more than makes up for it in emotional and practical intelligence.

*

I wouldn’t say your mother stinks. No, I wouldn’t say that at all. In fact, most of the time she smells quite lovely.

Rion Amilcar Scott writes fiction all over the damn place, tweets @reeamilcarscott and blogs at datsun flambe.

You Can Go Home, For a Little While

Congratulations to J. Bradley, Stevie Edwards, and Megan Falley for becoming finalists in this year’s Write Bloody reading period. You can read a fine interview with Bradley here.

Andrew Borgstrom’s Meat Is All is the next title from Mud Luscious Press’s Nephew imprint. Act fast.

The new print issue of Dark Sky Magazine includes Christy Crutchfield, Lindsay Hunter, Amy McDaniel, Corey Mesler, and more.

Nick Ripatrazone has fiction up at Everyday Genius.

NAP 1.3 has work from J. Bradley, Brett Elizabeth Jenkins, and others. Get in on the goodness.

At Metazen, a bittersweet story from Ryan Bradley.

The June Collagist includes Marcus Wicker, Jamie Iredell, Rob Roensch, AD Jameson, Christy Crutchfield, and others.

Dear Tracy Morgan

Dear Tracy Morgan,

By now, everyone probably knows you stated during a recent stand-up routine in Nashville Tennesse you’d stab your son to death if he was gay.

That was probably the worst of your homophobic tirade. I guess.

You also said gays are pussies for whining so much about being bullied and that if gays can take it up the ass they should be able to take a joke.

Okay. Haha! Ha.

Wait. I guess I can’t take a joke, Mr. Morgan. Or a cock up my ass either. Only because that maneuver didn’t work for me, logistically speaking. But to make it clear, I loathe the implication (and prejudice inherent) that only gay men derive pleasure from anal sex. That’s not true. I knew a woman once, Cindy. Never mind. She was probably a whore. Anyway, a straight  guy who enjoys anal play is probably a closeted faggot, right?

Imagine men secure in thier masculinity. Yeah. Just saying.  Sexuality is more fluid that most people would admit. Because people like to draw lines in the sand and consider everything from a black-and-white perspective. Also, this country is plagued by sexual hang ups. Stereotypes. Assumptions. Stupidity. Banality. Anal is just another way some people achieve sexual pleasure. So what? What do you like? I’m not going to judge, Mr. Morgan. Play safe. Play fair. That’s all.

Hint. Rape isn’t fair, and neither is child molestation. That’s right. A man molested me when I was five, which means I wasn’t old enough to consent. Or even understand what the fuck was going on. Absolute power play, that one. The first of several in my lifetime.

NO. FAIR.

Am I whining?

Let’s move on. 

Consenting adults can do whatever the fuck they like. What’s wrong with it? Anal gets a bad rap. Because it’s sodomy performed by sodomites who God turned to salt or some shit in the Bible. Only gays enjoy sodomy! Gays are Sodomites! They’re Sodomitistic Salt. Nonsensical crap. I never look to the Bible for my moral compass.

For example, God hates fags. 

BULLSHIT. Yes, all caps. I’m yelling. One more time. BULLSHIT.

God doesn’t hate fags. Your parents do.

Imagine all the empathy and tolerance these children will go forth into the world and spread.

Heartening, isn’t it?

Meanwhile, you tell a audience in Nashville Tennessee (who cheered you on, no less) you’d stab your own child to death if he was gay. You understand, Mr. Morgan, that parents every day disown their children because of their sexual preferences? See For the Bible Tells Me So as a reference if you don’t have a clue. 

Or talk to gay and lesbian children. Have you ever? Talk to the gay and lesbian teens living on the street because they can’t live at home. Too bad you can’t talk to the thousands upon thousands of gay and lesbian teenagers who commit suicide every year because their families disown them. But that’s impossible now. They’re dead.

I keep trying to figure it out, Mr. Morgan. Your act in Nashville. What’s so funny about it? Shock value? Irony? I told my son what you said and he was bummed. You should have seen his face drop. “Man,” he said. “That sucks.” We watch 30 Rock together and he thinks it’s a great show. 

“I don’t understand why everyone hates gay people so much.”  That’s what he said. My son turned fourteen yesterday. He’s more intuitive than a lot of kids his age. And I think he’s tons more empathetic. I’ve worked hard at that. Hard. A life long pursuit, my contract with the universe. You start by teaching your child self acceptance.

Then accepting others is easier. I believe. Imagine it. You’re a parent, Mr. Morgan. You know how tough it is out here raising children. Slippery slope. How much do you let them do? When? Where? How? Who to trust? Jesus. All I want is to protect my son. I’m sure you feel the same way. I hope so. Which is why this tirade of yours got under my skin then stayed there like a tick holing up. Sure, I have an obsessive personality. I’m a writer. It’s required. But also, like you, I’m an artist and am forever interested in what other artists do and why and how it works. See, I appreciate the power of art to incite a reaction in other people. We’re supposed to do that.

Our audience is so apathetic sometimes.

And sometimes they’re ignorant. And sometimes they’re scared.

Once upon a time, I tolerated a great deal of misogyny and homophobia as a college writing teacher. I never once told a male student he couldn’t write his story. What I said was, “Write this in a way I understand where the misogyny (or homophobia) comes from.” You always hope the artist will experience an epiphany. To the betterment of themselves and humankind. But you have to get real naked to do that. No holds barred, self implication. Which is difficult. Gulp. What’s your demon, Mr. Morgan? 

Lots of comedians are angry. Obvious. That’s why they’re funny. Comedy becomes a platform where a comedian presses real life, hot-button topics. Oscar Wilde once said, “If you want to tell people the truth, make them laugh. Otherwise, they’ll kill you.”

I also believe lots of comedians are sad. Chris Farley, for instance. He almost always made himself the punchline. He was brilliant. Gosh, he made me laugh. Sort of breaks my heart when I think about it. Probably all Chris ever wanted was love. And he sort of left himself at the mercy of others to get it, took a lot of shots. Self inflicted.

I want to tell you a story.

One night, two boys picked up a third in a bar under the pretense they’d give him a ride home, or perhaps under the pretense they liked him,  or maybe there was more to it, another underlying current, the sort that would have given the third boy hope, all the while these other two boys played him along. Cruel-like, sneaky. I don’t know. Matt was the kind of guy to chat anyone up. He was kind, extroverted, and generous with his money. He’d buy you a drink, no problem. One thing I know for sure, Matt wanted to trust these boys. He believed, however short lived, they accepted him, despite his orientation, which was, you know: gay. 

While one boy drove the car and egged his friend on, the other boy held a gun on Matt. Then he beat Matt in the head with it. Matt started to cry. He begged the boy to stop. Eventually, he was disoriented. Finally, bleeding in his brain, Matt fell unconscious. The two boys removed his shoes then tied him to a fence and left him. Later, one of these boys got in a fight at another bar then ended up in the ER. Later still, in the same ER and tended by the same doctor, Matthew Shepard lie in a coma dying from all those blows to his head. His attacker walked out of the hospital, just fine. And I think about him. You know? What turns a boy into a homophobe into a killer?

And I think about Matthew. All the time. I mean it. Perhaps he’s my moral compass.

I walk out to the fence and lie with him, on the ground, right there; I lie next to him and meditate and listen. If he speaks . . . usually, he has a question. “You think people are actually Jesus and I’m going to die for their sins?”

Can you fathom it, Mr. Morgan? His blond head bleeds onto the dirt and pasture. Left like this. So we come here, lots of us, and lie with him. If you’ll lie with us next to Matthew, Mr. Morgan, I think you might feel it. His aura. Collective energy. Please. He won’t bite. Homosexuality isn’t contagious. Ignorance and prejudice though is. 

Perhaps now you’ll sob at the idea anyone could do this to your own child. And for what? His sexual preference? His skin color? What?

Now have this thought too. If I could just do this one thing right then my own child won’t grow up to do this to another human being.

Please. We welcome you, Mr. Morgan.

Ask the Author: Jeremy Allan Hawkins

The poetry of Jeremy Allan Hawkins is featured in the April issue. He talks with us about biblical pornography, the humor of poets, and more.

1. How do you know angels like anal?

When I was last in Berlin I had the chance to watch an unreleased Wim Wenders film, Wings of Desire 3: When God Isn’t Looking, and I learned quite a bit about what angels are capable of, not to mention German audiences. At one point, a man sitting next to me in the screening room—this was all very illegal—ate a bowl of tuna salad. I love tuna, but when Gabriel is getting double-teamed, well, I don’t really have a taste for canned fish.

2. What chapter of the Bible would you like to see a porno version of?

Definitely Kings. 2 Kings to be exact. It features Jezebel, who, before putting on make-up in order to be thrown out a window to her death, must’ve been a pretty amazing sexual presence. Not to mention Jehu, who drove like a madman and probably fucked like it too. All in all, Kings is about people screwing up and getting killed off quickly, and if you imagine living in that time, people must’ve really gone for it. If you knew that people were getting smitten by the agents of the lord every few verses, wouldn’t you lose your inhibitions?

3. What vegetables are serious when they get bigger?

Pickles (by which I mean cucumbers), melons, and peaches. Wait, some of those are fruits. Now I’m not sure. Why did you have to ask me that? I’m going to get in trouble for this, I just know it.

4. Are massage parlors funny? If so, in what way?

I think they are hilarious, so long as you aren’t in one. Then I think it gets awkward. A stranger oiling you up, rubbing you down, both of you wondering about the end—you wondering if the myth of the happy ending is real, and the masseur/masseuse wondering if you’re going to be one of the idiots who mentions it. God forbid you end up in an establishment where the staff are living under a modified slave status—then all humor flies out the window, if it came in the door at all. Why did you even come in? Stiff neck? Bad day? Me, I can’t go near the places. I’m way too uptight. It’s easier to stand outside and laugh at the all the straight white men, the ones who go in fantasizing they’re going to be pleasured by some servile anime character they’ve conjured out of comic books, only to end up with a 300-lb masseur named Bruce. Even funnier to know how upset they must get when they still get aroused.

5. Who or what are your biggest influences in your poetry?

That’s a tough call. Can I say that I found my angels in Rilke and my tomatoes in Glück? Sure, but I can also claim Barbarella and the Saturday farmer’s market. Still, it’s hard to deny that I’ve inherited, like most American poets, a certain image-based lyric drive—for me, much of it came from reading about how Levertov read Williams. And the further I wander away from that kind of “ideal breath” that you find in much of Williams, for example, the less I feel like a poet. As such, my anal angels really arrived from elsewhere, and in some ways, I don’t even see that piece as a poem. Maybe this is a signal that I should give up writing poems and start writing porno scripts? By the way, my father was a preacher for the first nine years of my life. There is no question that the intonation he had when reading the Gospels is all over me. There are some influences for you: the father and the Father.

6. Why are poets normally not very funny?

Being funny in writing is hard enough, but if you try to do it after being taught (and reminded) that every single detail in a poem matters—well, it’s like trying to get a Christian to stop feeling guilty. We labor over commas! We stress over stresses! How do you arrive at a good punch-line if you’ve been buried in your own ass-onance? Frankly, though—I think it’s damn difficult to be funny, and just as hard to write a good poem, so to have both things at the same time is like winning two lotteries simultaneously. For that reason, our truly funny poets should be celebrated doubly. I, myself, am almost never funny since I take myself too seriously. And of course there’s a difference between being laughable and funny. I have a tattoo in French. That should tell you enough about the kind of laughs I get.