Huckster: The Progression Of Job Titles In Various Agency Departments

Account Services Department

  • Account Coordinator
  • Account Executive
  • Assistant to the Barista
  • Barista
  • Head Barista
  • Account Supervisor
  • Director of Account Services
  • (Mystery Title, Determined By The Wheel Of Thou Fair Moniker)
  • Assistant to the Barista

……………………

The Wheel Of Thou Fair Moniker (Left)Â could very well deem the account service person worthy of the new title "Minotaur" (Right).

……………………

Public Relations Department

  • Public Relations Account Coordinator!
  • Public Relations Superstar!!
  • Incredible Public Relations Specialist!!!
  • Public Relations OMG!!!!
  • Public Relations, Mother Fucker!!!!!
  • Pièce de Irrésistable, More Like!!!!!!
  • !!!!!!!*
  • Tenderfoot

* !!

……………………

Creative Department (Copy)

  • Junior Copywriter
  • Copywriter
  • Senior Copywriter
  • Señor Copywriter
  • Idea Wrangler
  • Alphabet Wrangler
  • Wranglers® Wrangler (Briefly)
  • Associate Creative Director/Aspiring Novelist
  • Creative Director/Novelist (Unpublished)
  • Patient #(XXXX-X)
  • Group Creative Director
  • Executive Creative Director
  • Executed Creative Director
  • Chief Creative Officer (Posthumously)

……………………

Creative Department (Art)

  • Production Artist
  • Junior Art Director
  • Art Director
  • Senior Art Director
  • Associate Creative Director
  • Creative Director
  • Executive Creative Director
  • Secretary of the Department of Homeland Security Janet Napolitano

……………………

(Above) The highest rank in the art division of the Creative Department.

……………………

Media Department

  • Media Coordinator
  • Master of Puppets
  • I’m Pulling Your Strings
  • Twisting Your Mind/Smashing Your Dreams
  • Blinded By Me
  • You Can’t See a Thing
  • Just Call My Name
  • Cause I’ll Hear You Scream
  • Media Director

……………………

Want to Read in Minneapolis?

PANK contributor (and trusty reader) Brett Elizabeth Jenkins has set up a reading that is sure to be kick ass in Minneapolis at moto-i (OMG A SAKE BREWERY) on Friday, May 13th, 8 pm. She’s looking for a few good writers to join her at the mic. Are you interested? If so, e-mail me at roxane at pankmagazine dot com and we’ll put you in touch with Brett.

Mucous Was Involved in the Making of This List. You're Welcome.

Don’t do anything until you read this essay by Chloe Caldwell at The Rumpus.

Todd McKie has a short story in the new issue of Molotov Cocktail.

Over at Hot Metal Bridge, you will find Eric Beeny, JA Tyler, Sherman Alexie, and others.

The Spring 2011 issue of JMWW includes Faith Gardner, Thomas Kearnes, and others.

Neil de la Flor shares a Litany of Wants with The Rumpus.

At Used Furniture Review, outstanding fiction by Erin Fitzgerald.

The always energetic Cristin O’Keefe Aptowicz will be in Chitown. Check out her itinerary and if you’re in town, go see her.

A poem from Nick Ripatrazone at the Apple Valley Review.

Here’s a little something from xTx at Thunderclap.

Don’t sleep on Scott McClanahan’s Stories VI.

The April issue of Dark Sky Magazine includes Tim Dicks, Erin Fitzgerald, Andrea Kneeland, and others.

At Everyday Genius, work from Kevin O’Cuinn.

Matchbook has writing from Shane Jones and Tim Dicks.

Todd McKie’s Beware of Bob is recently featured at McSweeney’s Internet Tendency.

Up North at Metazen, Bill Yarrow and M. Kitchell.

Have you read Brian Allen Carr’s My Second Throat? You should.

Mucous Was Involved in the Making of This List. You’re Welcome.

Don’t do anything until you read this essay by Chloe Caldwell at The Rumpus.

Todd McKie has a short story in the new issue of Molotov Cocktail.

Over at Hot Metal Bridge, you will find Eric Beeny, JA Tyler, Sherman Alexie, and others.

The Spring 2011 issue of JMWW includes Faith Gardner, Thomas Kearnes, and others.

Neil de la Flor shares a Litany of Wants with The Rumpus.

At Used Furniture Review, outstanding fiction by Erin Fitzgerald.

The always energetic Cristin O’Keefe Aptowicz will be in Chitown. Check out her itinerary and if you’re in town, go see her.

A poem from Nick Ripatrazone at the Apple Valley Review.

Here’s a little something from xTx at Thunderclap.

Don’t sleep on Scott McClanahan’s Stories VI.

The April issue of Dark Sky Magazine includes Tim Dicks, Erin Fitzgerald, Andrea Kneeland, and others.

At Everyday Genius, work from Kevin O’Cuinn.

Matchbook has writing from Shane Jones and Tim Dicks.

Todd McKie’s Beware of Bob is recently featured at McSweeney’s Internet Tendency.

Up North at Metazen, Bill Yarrow and M. Kitchell.

Have you read Brian Allen Carr’s My Second Throat? You should.

Ol’ Clementine Remembers the War of Yankee Aggression

Eds. note: On the 150th anniversary of The Civil War, that chapter in the country’s history remains a controversial one. To gain perspective, we turn to the world’s oldest man, former Alabama slave, Ol’ Clementine. At 236 years old, he participated in some of the key battles of the Civil War.

Everybody keep talking about the ‘Civil War.’ ‘Civil War’ this.  ‘Civil War’ that. All I hear nowadays. Who want to keep talking about that? Sound like a bunch of damn fools. I guess it’s an anniversary so that make sense, but it’s bunch of nonsense mostly. I guess I gotta forgive folks; they wasn’t around when that war began. I was. Clementine gon’ tell you how it really got started.

It was back on April 12, 1861, a Tuesday if I remember correctly. I was 86 years old and mostly retired from my days on Master-what’s-his-name’s (forgive me, it’s been so long) farm. He dead now like everybody else. Though I was retired, I used to still wake up before 4-a.m.-o’clock-in-the-morning five days out the week just to work them fields and show those young boys how to do it. Would go late into the night. Died three times ‘neath the Alabama sun and each time, after some minutes, got right back to work. That’s how much I loved it out there.  And that’s what makes me special. I seen folks die out in them fields and I’m always like, why that fool don’t get back up? Die on your own time. I works down here in a factory in Alabama to this day, for no pay of course, and I die about four times a week. Don’t see me whining about it.

Anyway, I was talking about how that Yankee Aggressive War got start. It was one of them special days. We call ‘em cartoons cause they had cartoon birds and bees and butterflies just flying round our heads like in Song of the South, that old Disney movie they try to pretend don’t exist, but I seen it on the Youtubes. Yep, ol’ Clementine know how to work the internet. I’m the only former slave that got a Myspace page.

On that day, them cartoon bees was buzzing around my head and I didn’t near find them as amusing as Uncle Remus. Cartoon bees got them cartoon stingers. So I was swatting ‘em and shooing them little smiling blue birds because they kept shitting all over my head. They’d shit and then smile and circle my head and shit some more. I was usually a-zip-a-dee-doo-dahing it up like the rest of my folks in the fields, but them cartoon animals was annoying. We sure did love to be out there. While I was wiping some of that cartoon crap from my head, this one guy come running up. He say them Yankees starting to get ‘ggressive. I was like, “What’s ‘‘ggressive?’” He say, ‘You know when someone want to start fighting.’” I stood there scratching my head because Ol’ Clementine know a lot of words, but I ain’t know that one. We went inside and found a dictionary and you know what, turns out this fool meant ‘aggressive,’ with an ‘a.’

So theys all like, “What we gonna do?” One negro was like, “Let’s get some weapons and go fight for the Yankees and then we can be free.” I popped that boy in the mouth. We was treated so good. Only some fool tricked by them white abolitionists want to be ‘free.’ I said: “Fool, this ain’t about no slavery. This here aggression is about State’s Rights. We don’t win this war the Supreme Court say we gotta kill unborn babies and then one day maybe we have ourselves one of those negro Asalamalakum negroes from Kenya as president. You want that?”

Well, my folks get to gasping and grumbling and even the guy I popped come around.

First, we went to ol’ Master-what’s-his-name. He start equivocating and mumbling. Say he got to talk to some other white folks. We waiting around half a day and don’t hear nothing from him. I’m getting itchy to solve this situation and them folks is just talking and them Yankees are getting more and more aggressive. Only a matter of time before they get to this plantation and seize the place and tell us we’s free. Who want that? Eventually, I gathered up my folks and we got some weapons and we found them Yankees and got mighty aggressive with them.

After that battle, we started calling it “The War of Yankee Aggression.” The name caught on, but then ran outta steam after we lost the war and them Yanks came and told me I was out of a job. Saddest day of my life.

Always liked “The War of Yankee Aggression” better than any of the other names they gave it. “Civil War” don’t make no sense that I can figure. How a war gon’ be civil? A war start by someone being aggressive and another someone being aggressive right back. Like remember how on 9/11/01 Saddam Hussein got aggressive with us and we turned right round and got aggressive with him?

Yeah, me neither.

Rion Amilcar Scott writes fiction all over the damn place, tweets @reeamilcarscott and blogs at datsun flambe.

Light

Jeff and I used to go to the gay clubs in Denver. I was a model then; Jeff was a model too. That was how we met.

Anyway, we recognized each other right away.

At clubs, we were brother and sister.

Jeff was stunning, the kind of guy everyone looked at. He said it was what he had going for him.

I used to go looking for him in the clubs. He’d disappear once or twice a night at twenty minute intervals. Jeff sucked guys off in the parking lot. One night, cold and overcast, I found Jeff alongside a dumpster and wiped dried come off his mouth. Jeff took my hand. We stood-shoulder-to-shoulder. He hadn’t worn a jacket.

“I worry about you.” 

Our breath mingled.

“I love you,” he said.

Jeff said he couldn’t tell his father he was gay. “A friend of mine told his parents and his mother said well, we still love you even though you’re gay.”

Right, even though. Fuck, even though.

Years later, I tried it once on my son. “I love you even though you’re straight.”

He looked at me, and it took him a minute, then he said, “You’d love me better if I was gay?”

“No. My love for you is unconditional. But I had this friend once. He was afraid to tell his parents he was gay. See, if his parents didn’t turn thier backs on him altogether, he worried they’d say something like, we love you even though you’re gay.”

“Oh. Sorry, Mom.”

We have nothing to be sorry for. 

Back then, the clubs were our wombs lit by neon and Dead or Alive. I was with a girlfriend one night. Jeff was there. Another guy too. We were a beast with four backs on the dance floor; we shared drinks, crowded together into the same bathroom stall. Just before last call, the deejay made an announcement over the sound system regarding the results of a vote. Everyone in the club booed. I was drunk and had no idea what the vote was about, but whatever it was, it was bad no matter how close we huddled together. 

In my girlfriend’s car later, she and I shared a cigarette in the front seat while Jeff and his friend made out in back. My girlfriend’s name was Chaz. Anyway, what she called herself. We talked about moving to South Dakota, living together, raising her son. How could we? Give up the pretense and come out? There’s the light of God. The light of day. The light of a bright idea. And then’s there’s a glare. Your ass hanging out for everyone to kick.

But it’s easier for girls. Everyone wants to see you make out. To me, Jeff and his friend looked like any two people kissing. Beautiful. They took risks though. And the ties that bind unravel. Chaz got involved with a drug dealer. Later, she disappeared into South Dakota by herself. Jeff? You lose people. Whatever you believe happened to him did.

Literary Scenes in Britain, Nashville and Amsterdam: An Essay by Avery Oslo

BritPANK is coming! It’s like Christmas in July, but instead of milk and cookies, Santa’s sipping Irn Bru and eating…toad-in-the-hole? Laver bread? Champ?

This special issue is necessary, like tea or like air because modern British literature is one of the few ways Britons can understand themselves, and one of the few ways the rest of the world can understand Britain. Britain’s literary reputation has become synonymous with colonialism and British relationships with “the other” (however you want to define that loaded phrase), the trauma of war, and inner-city violence. This is what Britain teaches in schools and Universities, and what it has exported to the rest of the world. No one here doubts the necessity of unpacking the colonial ideologies of a Rudyard Kipling novel or analyzing Victorian society through Jane Eyre, or even just re-reading Trainspotting and Porno for their insights into the parts of Scotland tourists never get to see. But Britain has written so much more!

Remarkably diverse offerings have come out of Britain, from the fantastical (J.R.R. Tolkien, J.K. Rowling, Phillip Pulman), to the literary (Jackie Kay, Doris Lessing, Jeanette Winterson) to the classics everyone must read at some point in order to be a well-rounded human (Virginia Woolf, Sir William Golding, Oscar Wilde – who was Irish but who gets counted because 1. He’s awesome and 2. BritPANK is counting Ireland, so it’s kosher). It’s almost amazing that the association with British literature still hinges on colonial themes, misty moors, and drunken pub-stabbings. These tropes will not die.

But should Britain bemoan the fact that we all understand Britain’s literary tradition through tropes and stereotypes?

The most pervasive stereotype about Britain’s literary scene today is that it is introspective and insular, forever analyzing itself. No man is an island, but it seems many British writers use the excuse of living on one to try their darndest to be one, anyway. Those writers who play nice with others often do so within their region. Britain’s cities tend to have their own literary scenes and there is little interaction on a national scale.

But people speak about this as if it were a bad thing.

What if we think about the British literary scenes’ weaknesses as their strengths? These pockets of city-centered literary tradition create the sense of regionalism readers crave in their literature. In the latest short stories and novels to come out of the UK, there is a clear trend toward geographically specific dark humor and violence that is telling of the conflict between Britain’s past and future. In uncertain times of globalization and recession, both readers and writers crave the intimacy created by the products of this insular culture of the scenes.

And Britain’s scenes aren’t alone in this trend. The microcosmic literary scenes of two other cities with which I am familiar, Nashville and Amsterdam, operate in much the same way. To confirm my sense of these literary trends, I’ve asked a well-known local writer of each city about their impressions of their literary scene. New York Times bestseller Eric Wilson of Fireproof fame is Nashville’s representative, while YA and literary novelist Dina Nayeri Viergutz is my consultant for Amsterdam.

Though both cities boast of a vibrant community of artists with a large international makeup, the literary scenes within are still representations of the people of a region. Nashville is known as the Athens of the South. It stands for Southern American values. Despite the glittery rhinestones of Music Row and Nashville’s anomalous voting patterns within its state and region, the citizens of Nashville are considered friendly and homey salt-of-the-earth types both within and without the city limits. This pervasive stereotype has shaped the literary scene there. Nashville’s writers have historically produced and still currently produce a lot of distinctive Southern literature. Even the novels of local genre authors like M.M. Buckner are informed by the regional culture. For example, the setting of many of Buckner’s sci-fi novels is that of a dystopic world dominated by mega-corporate interests and ruined by climate disasters.  Such a world is a nightmare for everyone, but especially for Nashvillians who prize their slow-paced and unique city with a small town vibe and its colorful local businesses.

Nashville is also known as “Music City” because of all the live music venues and recording studios, music labels (mainly country, gospel, and indie), and musicians that make it their home. The city’s infrastructure fosters a lot of overlap between musicians, songwriters and fiction writers. They are often asked to read and/or perform during local art galleries’ monthly art walks. “This cross-pollination adds an interesting element,” says Wilson. “…the creativity here is electric.”

Meanwhile, Amsterdam is also known for embracing art in all of its forms, yet may be the direct opposite of Nashville. This capital’s literary scene reflects these differences in myriad ways. Many consider Amsterdam to be the unofficial capital of Europe, drawing millions of visitors every year. Despite being just barely larger than Nashville, Amsterdam’s reputation is built on its sophisticated and cosmopolitan approaches to modernity. Citizens of Amsterdam can drink in the sleekest chrome bars, eat traditional Dutch dishes prepared and served in the trendiest ways, and dodge stoned tourists while they cycle to work in their suits at high-speed. Anyone in Amsterdam has affordable and easy access to capitals like Brussels, Paris and London, and so Amsterdam’s regional identity is conflated with international scope.  The regional identity of both Amsterdam and its writers is pan-European – or even global.

English-language writers of Amsterdam, like Iranian-born French/American expat Dina Nayeri Viergutz, are the norm rather than the exception in Amsterdam. Dutch writers have infrastructure in place, but the English-language writers can never quite circumvent the linguistic barrier and so have produced a makeshift culture of collegiality for themselves that is separate from the rest of the art community in Amsterdam. As a result, writing produced in the capital of the Netherlands is very international and reflects the themes of transition, discovery, isolation, and intercultural relationships that characterize Amsterdam’s writers.

When asked about  how the scene of Amsterdam compares with that of other cities with which she is familiar, Viergutz replied “It leaves me hungry and alone, wandering the streets at 3am, piecing together character arcs while yearning to run into another creative soul… Maybe one with a fistful of freshly written pages begging to be read by canal-light.” How much do you want to bet that if you read her forthcoming novel, A Teaspoon of Earth and Sea, you will find these themes reflected within?

I examine the literary scenes of Nashville and Amsterdam while I’m supposed to be blogging about those of Britain because I have a point to make: Nashville and Amsterdam are two cities of comparable size with international reputations for affinity with the arts, yet couldn’t produce more different writers, writing, or literary scenes. This is because, like with Britain’s cities, they are characterized first and foremost by a pervasive regionalism that influences the literary output.  Each city’s writers create the type of literature that allows a unique yet comforting recognition of the self.

Britain’s literary scenes also create literature with regional flair, and this is why you should be as excited as I am about the London Calling issue. It will not be just more of the same British literature you were raised with in school. Rather, it will provide thought-provoking yet tacit education about the current aspirations and cultures of Britain’s regions. In just one issue of PANK, you’ll be able to guess at the difference between the proclivities of a Mancunian and a Geordie. You will learn how the Northern Irish truly feel about their troubled history now through their literature. You’ll be able to speculate as to the cultural divide between North and South. You will understand how Edinburghers see themselves, and what they have in common with the Welsh. All that in one little (okay, not so little) special issue of PANK.

Avery Oslo has lived in Scotland and Nashville, and now reads and writes among the classy riffraff in The Hague. Check out the blog or Twitter for more.

Submit to London Calling, a special issue of British and Irish writing, here.

Huckster: How To Inverview For A Job In Advertising

Looking for a job in advertising? Plenty of people are, that’s for sure. Here’s a little trick: open up any phone book and, chances are, someone in that book is looking for a job in advertising. Just kidding. There’s no such thing as a phone book.

These pro-tips should help you stand out from the rest.

First of all, the key to having a good interview is to never let them see you sweat, even if you’re really nervous. This is integral. However, if you do start to sweat, try this: remove some clothing, one piece at a time, until the temperature is just right. If you’re a guy, start with the cummerbund. If that doesn’t do the trick, take off your top hat, as heat can get trapped under hats and cause your body temperature to rise. Keep removing clothing if the temperature still isn’t right. I would definitely try to keep your rubber Milton Berle Halloween mask on for as long as you can, though. In the end, this stripping down will not only make you feel more comfortable, but, based on my experience, impress the inverviewer, showing him or her that you’re proactive, brazen, and a problem-solver. In fact, the last time I did this, the interviewer felt I was such a valuable asset that he had security escort me out of the building. Talk about an ego-booster!

But I’m getting ahead of myself. Obviously, before you even walk into the agency, you should do your research, and there’s no better way to learn more about yourself than by seeing a psychiatrist. The self-help section at your local bookstore is another great place to see what you’re doing wrong as well as learn why she left you. Also, try writing in a journal. Chances are, all the answers are hiding right there in the old noggin, just like mother keeps telling you.

A good start to an interview can really set the mood and get the ball rolling. When the interviewer offers you a seat, try turning the chair around and sitting on it backwards. This will show the interviewer that you’re unconventional and not too tightly wound; it says you like to have fun and you’re a straight-shooter. Maybe even tell that to the interviewer right out of the gates, before he or she gets a chance to speak: “Listen here, I like to have fun. I’m what you call a straight-shooter.” You can even tip your top hat just so, to show your dapperness.

The middle of the interview is by far the most important part. This is where the interviewer will ask you a bunch of questions. It’s improtant to remember that you have every right to not answer a question if it makes you feel uncomfortable or if you don’t know the answer. If you do come across such a question, simply say, “I plead the fifth.” I pled the fifth 28 times in my last interview. Did I get the job? No. But who’s to say I would’ve landed the job if I did answer all 28 questions?

Near the end of the interview, the interviewer will most likely ask if you have any questions. A great question to ask is, “Would you like a cigar?” (assuming you put cigars in the inside pocket of your jacket) or “Which psychiatrist do you see?”

After the interview, it’s customary to place your top-hat on the interviewer’s head, or at least that’s what I think. I like to say something clever while doing it, like, “You’re the tops” or “Hats off to you…and on you!” On your way out the door, stop at the threshold and turn your head to give him or her one last look. Wink. Then confidently walk out of the office.

Remember, just because you’ve left their offices doesn’t mean the interview is over. You’ll want to send a thank-you letter to the interviewer. You can keep it short. For instance, here’s what I wrote in my last thank-you letter: “Dear ______: Thank you for meeting with me, even knowing you probably won’t hire me.” That’s it. Quick, simple. Get in there, then get out. Besides, if you do have more to say, you can always say it in one of the other 17 thank-you letters you’ll send him that month.

In the end, just remember to stay calm. And don’t forget to make small talk, too. Bond with him or her. Maybe ask for a little money, just to get you by till that new job rolls around. Hey, you gave him a free top hat and cigar—it’s the least he can do!

We Didn't Start the Showers But The Rain Keeps Falling and the World Keeps Turning

Mud Luscious 15 includes Sarah Rose Etter, Troy Urquhart, and Andrea Kneeland.

Thunderclap 5 features many PANK favorites such as Len Kuntz, Sheldon Lee Compton, Matt Salesses,  Tim Jones-Yelvington, Jesse Bradley and others. Purchasing information here.

In Guernica, poetry from Erin Lyndal Martin.

The Calling, by Robert Swartwood, is now available as an e-book.

The Indefinite State of Imaginary Moral by Rae Bryant will be available on June 1 from Caper Press. Check this book out. Rae is a lovely writer.

At Glimmertrain, please read Niche by Matt Lapata.

Mel Bosworth has new Firebox fiction at Night Train.

Issue Twelve of > kill author is pretty incredible. You will find words from Elaine Castillo, Erin Fitzgerald, Heather Fowler,James Valvis, Kate Wyer, and Thomas Patrick Levy.

There is a new issue of decomP where you will find Eric Burke, Faith Gardner, JA Tyler, and much more.

At The Good Men Project you will be moved by xTx’s The Smallest Superman.

The annual Hobart baseball issue features Aubrey Hirsch.

Steve Himmer’s Bee Loud Glade is out this week. Buy this book, read it, love it.

Melissa Broder guest-edited NOO Weekly.

Paula Bomer is a new contributor at Big Other and this is her first post.

The debut issue of Midwestern Gothic includes Jac Jemc, Lania Knight, Molly Gaudry, and Michelle Menting.

At Wigleaf, enjoy the fine, fine writing of one Ryan Bradley.

We Didn’t Start the Showers But The Rain Keeps Falling and the World Keeps Turning

Mud Luscious 15 includes Sarah Rose Etter, Troy Urquhart, and Andrea Kneeland.

Thunderclap 5 features many PANK favorites such as Len Kuntz, Sheldon Lee Compton, Matt Salesses,  Tim Jones-Yelvington, Jesse Bradley and others. Purchasing information here.

In Guernica, poetry from Erin Lyndal Martin.

The Calling, by Robert Swartwood, is now available as an e-book.

The Indefinite State of Imaginary Moral by Rae Bryant will be available on June 1 from Caper Press. Check this book out. Rae is a lovely writer.

At Glimmertrain, please read Niche by Matt Lapata.

Mel Bosworth has new Firebox fiction at Night Train.

Issue Twelve of > kill author is pretty incredible. You will find words from Elaine Castillo, Erin Fitzgerald, Heather Fowler,James Valvis, Kate Wyer, and Thomas Patrick Levy.

There is a new issue of decomP where you will find Eric Burke, Faith Gardner, JA Tyler, and much more.

At The Good Men Project you will be moved by xTx’s The Smallest Superman.

The annual Hobart baseball issue features Aubrey Hirsch.

Steve Himmer’s Bee Loud Glade is out this week. Buy this book, read it, love it.

Melissa Broder guest-edited NOO Weekly.

Paula Bomer is a new contributor at Big Other and this is her first post.

The debut issue of Midwestern Gothic includes Jac Jemc, Lania Knight, Molly Gaudry, and Michelle Menting.

At Wigleaf, enjoy the fine, fine writing of one Ryan Bradley.