Hello, and thank you for letting us pitch your business. Half of the thinking you’re about to hear today will decidedly prove that we are the right advertising agency for you, and the other half will simply blow.

Your.

Mind.

Let me start by introducing myself. My name is William Clarke, and I’m the director of account services. I run this operation the same way I run my home: from afar.

To my left is Sharon. She’s our media buyer. Pisces. Great with numbers. 1, 2, 3, 4—there’s not a number she doesn’t know inside and out. Actually, there is one number: 32. But I guarantee she’ll have that number nailed by the time you decide to make us your agency of record. Thirty-two. Seems like an easy number till you sit down and think about it. Try saying that number slowly: Thir. Tee. Two. See what I mean?

Jimmy on my right here is our creative director. I know what you’re thinking, and yes: he’s adopted. If you choose our agency, Jimmy will be overseeing all your creative. He’ll be overseeing it like a well-oiled machine, in fact, and don’t think I’m making that oil reference because of his slick Italian hair. That’s just coincidence. One thing you might not know about Jimmy is he has a serrated tongue.

Folks, I’m not going to sugarcoat things. Glenn over here is the best damn PR guy this side of the Mississippi, which I believe is a river. I’m not kidding around here: Best. P. R. Period. Not much of a father from what I hear, but at least his 4-year-old can tell his friends at school that his dad is the best PR man money can buy, if that 4-year-old even has friends, which is doubtful. You’d know what I mean if you saw him. Timmy, I think the kid’s name is.

Something else you might not know about Glenn: his wife has been cheating on him for two weeks now. Glenn has no idea. Pictured: her lover's car.

I’ve got one more person to introduce to you and she goes by the name of Janet. One thing you might not know about Janet: she’s six out of the eight things Steve Miller claims to be in that one song “The Joker.” But: she promises to fulfill the other two if you choose our agency. You know, they say passing a kidney stone is like giving birth to a child, and only Janet among us knows for sure. Janet is an account executive.

Now, you’re probably wondering a lot of things right now. Like, how are we different from the other agencies pitching your business? Well, we’re about to deliver the goods just as soon as all of us strip down, as is customary for agency new-business pitches.

Ladies. Gentlemen. Strip.

To be continued…

Issue Eleven of >kill author is a powerhouse including writing from xTx, Jonathan Callahan, Helen Vitoria, Amorak Huey, Brian Oliu, Feng Sun Chen,Garrett Socol, Gary Moshimer, Sarah Rose Etter, Sean Doyle, Robert Alan Wendeborn, and more.

Laurence Klavan has a new story in The Barnstorm.

Up at A-Minor is a short, short story from Barry Basden.

Allow yourself to “Imagine” with Ethel Rohan in the Used Furniture Review.

Jonathan Callahan is interviewed by Fringe Magazine.

The ever so talented Jen Gann’s Back Tuck is now available from Magic Helicopter Press.

The second issue of esque includes writing by Daniel Nester and Bob Hicok. Nester also has a feature on the lifespan of a literary magazine in the February issue of Bookslut.

The second issue of The Reprint is live and includes an introduction by Brian Oliu, and writing from Amber Sparks, Dave Housley, Ori Fienberg, and others.

Issue 31.1 of Mid American Review includes writing from Tara Laskowski, Gabe Durham, Kevin Wilson, and Bob Hicok.

In Issue Ten of Eleven Eleven, you will find Katie Jean Shinkle and Sandra Simonds.

Robb Todd is reading at The Cell Theater on March 13 at 5 pm. If you are in NYC, you should check it out.

Don’t forget that Laura Ellen Scott’s Curio is being serialized by Uncanny Valley.

Melissa Broder poetry is the best kind of poetry and you can enjoy her work at The Morning News and then you can see her getting her review on for The Rumpus.

At Everyday Genius, Ricky Garni.

Two poems by George Moore are featured at Metazen.

There’s an excerpt from Steve Himmer’s Bee Loud Glade at Atticus Books.

Jonterri Gadson has two poems in the Fall 2010 issue of Poetry Quarterly. You can find her work on pp. 28-29.

Ester Bloom writes about her father’s gun for Salon.

At Metazen, a truly lovely poem from Helen Vitoria. Metazen has a new side project, House Fire, where you can find fiction from Frank Hinton and Tyler Gobble.

Pear Noir 5 includes words from Kevin Catalano, Gabe Durham, Jen Michalski, and many more.

Lacey Martinez is on Facebook!

The February issue of deComp features Alan Stewart Carl, Tara Laskowski, Tyler Gobble, and others.

At Lake Effect, a poem from Josh Kleinberg.

The 15th anniversary edition (!!!) of elimae includes JA Tyler, Joe Kapitan, and Eric Burke.

In Asymptote, which is really nicely presented, you’ll find commentary from Molly Gaudry.

The February issue of Dark Sky Magazine includes Sheldon Lee Compton, Jen Michalski, and  James Valvis.

In February Hobart, three chapters from Katie Jean Shinkle’s novel in progress.

Jonterri Gadson has two poems in the Fall 2010 issue of Poetry Quarterly. You can find her work on pp. 28-29.

Ester Bloom writes about her father’s gun for Salon.

At Metazen, a truly lovely poem from Helen Vitoria. Metazen has a new side project, House Fire, where you can find fiction from Frank Hinton and Tyler Gobble.

Pear Noir 5 includes words from Kevin Catalano, Gabe Durham, Jen Michalski, and many more.

Lacey Martinez is on Facebook!

The February issue of deComp features Alan Stewart Carl, Tara Laskowski, Tyler Gobble, and others.

At Lake Effect, a poem from Josh Kleinberg.

The 15th anniversary edition (!!!) of elimae includes JA Tyler, Joe Kapitan, and Eric Burke.

In Asymptote, which is really nicely presented, you’ll find commentary from Molly Gaudry.

The February issue of Dark Sky Magazine includes Sheldon Lee Compton, Jen Michalski, and  James Valvis.

In February Hobart, three chapters from Katie Jean Shinkle’s novel in progress.

If you be lookin’ for PANK this week, you may direct your attention to the Association of Writers and Writing Programs conference in Washington DC. We will definitely be at all of the following, though you can check out just about any reading at AWP to find one of our writers (they are everywhere!).

AWP Bookfair table F4.
Time: All day Thursday through Saturday
Location: F4
Description: Copies of PANK5 and Our Island of Epidemics plus pins, stickers, t-shirts, and answers to all your PANK related questions and concerns. Come be our friends.

Annalemma, PANK, & Mud Luscious Present Divination in DC
Time: Thursday 7-10 pm
Location: Ireland’s Four Provinces, 3412 Connecticut Ave NW
Description: Kristin O’Keefe Aptowicz, Tim Jones-Yelvington, Molly Gaudry, Steve Himmer, Jesse Bradley, Ben Brooks, Mel Bosworth, Sal Pane, Sasha Fletcher, Mary Miller, Ethel Rohan, Michael Stewart, Rob Roensch, Brian Oliu, Mathias Svalina, Matt Salesses, Amber Sparks

FORKLIFT/H_NGM_N/TYPECAST Guerrilla Reading
Time: Friday 7-8:30pm
Location: The Lincoln Memorial
Description: M. Bartley Seigel and Jennifer L Knox for TYPECAST, Jackie Clark and Steven Karl for H_NGM_N, and Kiki Petrosino and TBA for FORKLIFT, OHIO

BLIP/Moon Milk Review/Potomac Review
Time: Friday 7:30-9:30pm
Location: Johns Hopkins University
Description: Kara Candito and Sara Lippmann for BLIP, Ben Loory and Roxane Gay for MMR, and Jen Michalski and Sue Eisenfeld for PR.

[PANK] recently traveled to beautiful San Francisco to give a reading and made a movie of it. Also rad. Lauren Becker, Seth Fischer, Ben Jahn, Ethel Rohan, and me, M. Bartley Seigel, rockin’ the mic with words. Watch it here: [PANK] Invades the Mission

This week’s Last Words feature comes from Philippe Parreno and Douglas Gordan’s Zidane: A 21st Century Portrait. This will be the last Last Words post for a while (possibly permanently if I retire the feature and move on to something else), as I will be taking a tiny, tiny hiatus from blogging for PANK, until the beginning of April. I will try my best to occasionally post in the time until then, but if I’m unable to, I look forward to being back here in April.
Continue reading →

This week’s Last Words feature comes from Philippe Parreno and Douglas Gordan’s Zidane: A 21st Century Portrait. This will be the last Last Words post for a while (possibly permanently if I retire the feature and move on to something else), as I will be taking a tiny, tiny hiatus from blogging for PANK, until the beginning of April. I will try my best to occasionally post in the time until then, but if I’m unable to, I look forward to being back here in April.
Continue reading →

To be sure, everyone’s extremely familiar with kama sutra—the ancient Hindu text on erotic pleasures. Everyone except advertising professionals, that is. You see, these professionals have their own book catered specifically for them. Here are just some of the 1,245 pleasures. Please note that, for these methods to work, both partners must be in the advertising industry.

HOT JOB

This is where you and your partner exchange provocative instant messages throughout the workday, each IM more seductive than the last. Perhaps, if both of you work in the same office, you can even give sensual looks at your partner while passing each other in the hallway, as if to say, “Oh yeah, baby.” Both of you continue the IM’s until, at the end of the day, you can’t take it anymore. Then, right as you’re leaving the office, the production manager hands you a hot job that has to get finished immediately, forcing you to stay late. By the time you get to your partner’s apartment, not only is he/she asleep, but also your desire has been replaced by a severe migraine.

STAIRWELL SURPRISE

It all starts when you get back to your office after a meeting and find a note reading something like, “Meet me in the stairwell at 2 p.m. and bring a warm towel.” You’re confused, yet intrigued. Your anticipation escalates with each passing minute. At lunch, you find a towel in your desk drawer. Who put that there? The note-writer, no doubt. Finally, at 1:58 p.m., you go into the restroom and run hot water over the towel. You are filled with desire. Then, when you enter the stairwell, you see your boss. He/She explains how you missed a deadline on an important job and cost the client thousands of dollars. He/she might have to let you go. You feel sick to your stomach and wretch onto the stairwell floor. Good thing you brought the warm towel to clean up with.

NEW “BUSINESS” PITCH

You create a PowerPoint presentation, putting it together as if you were pitching a tire company called TreadStar. But here’s the key: you use statements like, “Sales will ‘rise’…among other things!” and “You’ll love the ‘bottom’ line.” You also insert photos that subtly suggest sex. For example, a photo of a pitched tent, or of a clown, or of two people having sex. Then you present it to your partner during an actual new-business pitch, much to the surprise of your partner and everyone else in the room.

INSERTION ORDER

In advertising, an insertion order is written authorization to print an ad or broadcast a commercial. But an insertion order in the steamy world of advertising sex is completely different. First, you type up a fake insertion order, in which you declare how you’d like to “Buy some space in a nauty place,” and then e-mail it to your partner. Your partner e-mails back explaining how you misspelled the word ‘naughty.’ You return with an e-mail that reads: “Whatever. Did you see where I’d like to buy some space?” Your partner writes back, “I did. That’s how I caught the spelling mistake.” Then, as you try to send your response, e-mail goes down for the rest of the day.

HOT JOB 2

Same thing as the original Hot Job except, instead of coming home with a migraine, you come home with the stomach flu.