August PANK Will Scorch You

It’s hot. These words will get you hotter. Put your hand in the fires of Zack Bean, Eric Bennett, Nicelle Davis, Sean Doyle, John Fischer, Luke Geddes, Luke Goebel, Melissa Goodrich, Brett Elizabeth Jenkins, Matt Lapata, Lindsay Merbaum, Teresa Milbrodt, Colleen O’Connor, Matt Salesses, Katie Jean Shinkle, B.R. Smith, Beth Thomas, Robert Alan Wendeborn and Bonnie ZoBell. Get started here.

Underrated

By now, I’m sure most of you have read Anis Shivani’s attack on what he calls the fifteen most overrated writers in America. Many writers have already spoken out about how useless such a list is. But I’m not posting to rebuke Shivani’s efforts. What I’m interested in is the way writers have rallied in the days after Shivani’s post to generate lists of their favorite underrated writers. I’m not one to take stock in lists, but there are a few underrated writers I’d like to call attention to. In an article on literary citizenship, Blake Butler writes about the importance of promoting writers you truly care about, and that’s exactly what I intend to do here. The writers that follow aren’t the three most underrated writers in America, but they are deserving of your attention. They have work that begs to be recognized.

1. Trey Ellis

I first came across Trey Ellis during the height of my blind adoration for all things realist and an illogical hatred of anything meta or experimental. His 1989 novel, Platitudes, is a meta masterpiece that completely shook up my way of thinking. Platitudes begins with an Oscar Wao-esque narrative about African American nerds growing up in New York City. But a few chapters in, Ellis pulls back the curtain and introduces the writer Dewayne who is composing the aforementioned   coming of age tale. Dewayne encounters Isshee, a supermarket paperback writer, and the two exchange chapters back and forth, writing and rewriting conflicting versions of the story. Graceful and clever, Platitudes is a novel that absolutely must be read by anyone with an interest in the experimental, but I don’t hear Ellis’ name thrown around with the likes of Jonathan Lethem or A.M. Homes. Maybe it’s because Ellis has only written three other books. Maybe it’s because he’s devoted part of his career to screenplays. Regardless, you owe it to yourself to read Platitudes if you haven’t already.

2. Jennifer Haigh

Jennifer Haigh might seem like an odd choice for an underrated writers list. She graduated from the Iowa Writers Workshop, and her three novels have all sold extremely well. But there seems to be some lingering assumption that Haigh isn’t literary enough to warrant inclusion in the new pantheon of up and coming young novelists. I’d have to vehemently disagree. Mrs. Kimble is a fantastic debut novel, but Baker Towers is a perfect rendition of the sprawling town novel in the vein of Richard Russo. Baker Towers chronicles the saga of a small Pennsylvania mine town over multiple decades and the plight of the rust belt working class. Haigh is both lyrical and sympathetic and a fantastic counterpoint to the recent trend of futuristic New York novels (not to say I don’t like those too). In many ways, Haigh is a throwback, a return to the days of Mason and Dubus and Carver, of realism and hardscrabble lives.

3. Gary Fincke

I find myself often singing the praises of Gary Fincke, but it’s hard not to when you consider that the man has consistently published fiction, poetry and creative nonfiction in the very best journals since the 1980’s. As I said in my review, Fincke has written nearly twenty books across the genres over the years and was awarded the Flannery O’ Connor Award in 2003. Yet much like Ellis and Haigh, Fincke is a writer I rarely hear referenced in literary discussions. Gary Fincke is a writer’s writer in much the way Richard Yates was before Stewart O’ Nan championed his work. Writers who have read Fincke love him, but he doesn’t have as big of a name as some of his contemporaries and may have suffered for producing his best work at a time when domestic realism was not at its most in vogue. Like Haigh, Fincke is a chronicler of the working class, of broken dreams, of disappointments. His collection Sorry I Worried You can stand toe to toe with the very best short story collections of the decade. Like all the writers mentioned here, Gary Fincke deserves to be read.

Literary Los Angeles: The New Normal

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about this Slate article, in which writer Tom Vanderbilt argues that in the movies not owning a car is shorthand for being a loser, a criminal, or a freak.

Growing up in L.A., public transportation was a major part of my life.   My mother did not have a driver’s license and I didn’t acquire one until I was 24.   (My mother later got her license at age 50 in the Bay Area.)   My father did the family’s driving, but there were times when our car was in the shop and then the whole family took mass transit.   I took the bus with my mother to kindergarten, walked with friends to elementary school, and later in high school got back on the bus to visit friends in places as distant as Pasadena and Santa Monica.

As an adult, I now have a car that I drive every day (though rarely more than five miles from home) and so I feel somewhat hypocritical extolling the virtues of not driving to other L.A. residents.   But as I prepare to move to a new neighborhood, I’ve been looking for those that are close to buses or the subway and walking distance from shops and restaurants.

The Slate article reminds us that in addition to addressing the major issues of public transportation, accessibility, and infrastructure that plague Los Angeles, there needs to be a cultural shift.   Not driving needs to start seeming normal, not a condition of last resort.   As long as we as a city consider public transportation as something fit only for the elderly, destitute, disabled, or others who have no other choice, anyone who simply chooses to take a bus or a train seems eccentric at best.

And yet, I know several perfectly “normal” people who do not drive, just as my mother did not.   So I thought it might be worthwhile to interview a few of them to see how they do it, and why, and to show others that living in L.A. without a car is not only possible, it can be preferable.

To start, I sent my friend Diane Meyer, a photographer, Assistant Professor at Loyola Marymount University, and normal car-less L.A. resident, a series of questions.

Q: How long have you lived in L.A. without a car?

A: I have been without a car in Los Angeles since January 2008. I came to L.A. in July of 2005 for a new job. I am originally from New Jersey, but had been living in Brooklyn for several years beforehand where I did not need a car.

Q: Where in L.A. do you live?   Did being car-free affect your choice of neighborhood?

A: I lived in the same apartment from July 2005 to February 2010 and so I chose my apartment when I did have a car and accessibility to mass transit was completely off my radar. I lived on Wilshire/Euclid in Santa Monica which (I think) is one of the most ideal places in the city to live without a car, but this was only by luck and coincidence. Even when I did drive, I preferred to walk whenever possible, and intentionally chose a very pedestrian-friendly neighborhood where I could walk to most errands. But, I didn’t realize until years later that I lived right on the Wilshire Rapid line—probably the best bus line in the city and within walking distance to every Santa Monica Big Blue Bus line and many city lines which either originate or terminate in the Promenade.

I recently moved to another apartment. I definitely wanted to stay in Santa Monica specifically because it is one of the most accessible places in L.A .to live without a car. I felt the only other neighborhoods that would be easy to live without a car were Downtown L.A., Koreatown, or Hollywood ,and all of those places were too far from my job. I also intentionally chose an apartment that was within walking distance to the bus line that goes to my job.

Q: Would you consider your non-ownership of a car “by choice”?

A: When I first got rid of my car it was a financial decision. I really felt like I was living paycheck to paycheck and I started cutting things from my budget, selling stuff on eBay, etc., and then I realized that between car insurance, lease payment, gas, maintenance, parking, etc., I was spending about $950 a month for a car—which is actually average for Angelenos.

I could have made other sacrifices instead of getting rid of my car—I could have moved to Westchester or Palms or cut other things out of my life, but I really didn’t like driving—I found traffic stressful, it felt alienating, I would drive around looking for street parking for what felt like eternity after getting home from work. But at that point, it felt more like something I was doing out of necessity.

Now I would say that it is by choice and if I really wanted to get another car I could. When I first got rid of my car, I thought it would be temporary—maybe four months or so to save money, but it was so much easier than I expected and had so many really clear benefits that I have no desire to get a car again any time soon. I have been car-less for 31 months now. If I had kept my car, I would have spent $29,500 on car expenses during those 31 months alone—which seems absolutely crazy to me. While not having a car can be inconvenient, I would rather have an extra $950 a month.

I also lost a lot of weight (almost 50 pounds) without making any other adjustments in my life or changing my diet. Not just from biking, but walking more, walking to and from the bus stop, etc.

It also wasn’t until I got rid of my car that I really started to love Los Angeles. Being on my bike or on the bus made me realize subtle transitions between neighborhoods, made me notice things I never noticed when driving past at higher speeds, I took more surface streets and understood how the city fit together, I interacted with people when taking the bus and it made me feel like I lived in a diverse and vibrant city. In NYC, I felt more like I was part of the city because I was surrounded by other people and even if I didn’t know them, we had this shared experience of being part of the city. I feel like it’s hard to get that sense in Los Angeles but even harder in a car.

I recently interviewed and photographed 100 car-less Angelenos and a graphic novelist named Joshua Dysart said something in the interview which I really agree with:

My whole foundational understanding of Los Angeles and how complex it is and even the degree to which we have to battle certain urban and social issues, is all because I take public transportation or ride my bicycle. I just don’t think it’s possible to feel empathy much less understand what the real plight of Los Angeles is when you are in your car. And it’s so much more complex and beautiful and doomed than the world could ever give us credit for. It’s funny, but almost one of the most empowering acts of activism you can do for Los Angeles and its future- if you love the city- is engage in public transportation.

In addition to the personal benefits, there is of course the environmental aspect. While I do occasionally ride as a passenger in cars, I’m glad that my environmental impact is drastically reduced by not having a car.

Q: How has not having a car affected your social life? What about your professional life?

A: The biggest impact on my social life is that if there are two different parties or events that I want to do on the same night, I usually have to choose one or the other whereas when I drove, I would have probably gone to both. This has changed recently as I usually go out socially with Jonas [her fiance] and he does drive. But, before when I lived alone, I would just choose one thing to do. During the week, I realized that I did more things actually because I could read or do stuff on the bus and therefore didn’t mind traffic as much. But I can pretty much get everywhere pretty easily—especially since I can put my bike on the bus and combine bus and biking to fill in the gaps. I’ve also rented cars to go to weddings or see friends in San Diego or Ventura.

When I first got rid of my car, I was worried about how it might impact my professional life. I was worried that my students and colleagues would think it was weird or incorrectly assume that I lost my license or something. However, I found everyone to be very supportive. People are often surprised, but very respectful of the decision. I think everyone recognizes the negative personal, social, environmental impacts of driving and can understand why someone wouldn’t want to have a car. Being car-less also gave me the idea to start photographing/interviewing other car-less people and creating that exhibition was a really positive experience. I also helped form a committee to try to bring a commuter incentive program to campus.

Breeding and Writing: Bowling your heart out

 

–by Tracy Lucas

 

I was interviewing someone for a newspaper article at the local bowling alley this weekend when I noticed something.

In between chats with my subjects, I had some time to sit with my notebook and stare off into space. Since it was a typical Saturday morning in our small town (read: nothing much else going on here), there were a few families bowling together.

As I watched them, I saw a pattern.

The mothers and fathers posed themselves, took a moment to focus, and lobbed the balls down the lane with determination and pursed lips. Each and every time—without fail, I swear—the parent would watch the ball, shake his or her head in frustration, and turn around self-consciously, announcing to all within earshot why the throw had failed. Either the ball had slipped,  a  hand was twisted at the wrong time, or the shoes were too slippery. Every last adult who bowled made a loud, vocal excuse to the others who were surely watching. (And I guess I was, so there’s that.) When they did hit what they’d intended, they shrugged and tried to play it cool, high-fiving the kids and flitting their eyes around the room nervously as they dropped back into the blue swivel seats.

The kids, though?

They barely knew when their turns were coming. They were watching the lights, the jukebox, the other kids running up and down the snack bar aisle. They were asking about the arcade games and quarters and pizza and prize tickets. They didn’t give a crap about efficiency.

When they did bowl—finally—they did something very different than their parents had.

Each child grabbed a ball (maybe his own, maybe not; depended what color fit the reigning mood that frame), flew up to the line (or past it) and threw the ball with all his might. As reliably as the adults had watched the results, the kids didn’t. Ever. Not once. The children turned as soon as the ball was in motion, and ran back to their seats in celebration, yelling, “Mom, did you see that?! I did it!”and asking about pizza again.

(Except this kid, but she wasn't there.) She's committed though, yeah?

(Except this kid, but she wasn’t there.) She’s committed though, yeah?

I didn’t see a single kid watch to see whether the pins dropped. Not a one. None of them cared.

For the younger bowlers, the point was to get out there and do it. To stand on the stage and throw with all their power and their will, and to make something move. That was the point of going bowling. Who cared about the little numbers on the screen?

For the parents, it was all about the score, the physical grace, or the opinions of the strangers around them who were surely grading each throw.

Who had the better experience? The adults went home without much ado and got back to their lunches, to-do lists and lives. The kids were thrilled from the moment they walked into the alley until the adrenaline subsided several hours after leaving. Possibly longer.

I knew it was a blog post in disguise even as I went back on the clock and resumed interviewing folks for the official day job.

I’m guilty of being the adult. I write what I think will sell, what will get the most comments, what will make me sound professional instead of personal.

I don’t put my heart into it like I used to, because it costs me something. It costs me that moment where I might slip and fall down on my ass with everyone watching.

It’s safer to reserve myself and chicken out. Passion is expensive, and scary.

I need to learn to jump more often and be willing to get my hands dirty. Those random kids at the bowling alley had more guts than I’ve had for a long time, and that’s not right.

bowling shoes

All in, on three.

They’ve got it figured out.

It doesn’t matter whether you’ll hit the pins.

It matters only that you threw the ball.

Screw the statistics.

Hey Hey It’s Thursday Which is Read Awesome Day

There’s this really great blog post at Third Face by xTx about a weekend of writing. There’s one by Mary Hamilton about staring at the wall (and well, more).  Barry Graham writes about writer mystique and this is all happened in the past day so what I’m trying to say here is, are you reading Third Face? You should be.

Speaking of Mary Hamilton, have you bought her chapbook We Know What We Are? Do so. It is gorgeously put together. True craftsmanship went into this book both in content and design. She is profiled by Time Out Chicago, too. I learned she is an optician which is very interesting. I need new glasses. I should put these two things together.

Fifty-Two Stories features Jensen Beach this week.

Zombie Summer creepy undead person walks along. Check out this thing from Christy Crutchfield.

The Shell of Reflection, by Eric Beeny, is live at A Minor.

At Dark Sky, Elisa Gabbert has a little poem.

Everyday Genius has been really great so far this month. Check out this fine story from Christy Crutchfield.  There’s also  One About Circles by Gabe Durham in the same magazine. Is Everyday Genius the most consistently excellent magazine out there? The case could be made. Why aren’t more people talking about the whole month of July over there? It was, well, the word that comes to mind is searing. That month’s content was put together by Kate Zambreno.  Every story that was posted was shocking or raw or visceral or haunting or disturbing or all of the above. She’s not a contributor but Megan Milks’s Girl With Expectorating Orifices is a story that I’ve thought about over and over since I first read it. And there was also this beast by Janey Smith. I kind of want to laze about reading this story over and over and over. Also, did you notice how every story was written by a woman or a female persona? I know it’s hard to keep up with the overwhelming amount of great content online in addition to the other demands on our lives but if you get a minute, read, think, discuss: Everyday Genius, July and every other month, awesome, challenging, innovative.

I. Fontana has a fierce story at Annalemma, another consistently excellent magazine. You should read this story. I am talking to you. Read, love, love.

I must admit I infatuated with Brian Oliu. He has been writing these Missed Connection ads for Craigslist. Check out this and that. Also, there’s this fine essay about spin class. Yes, I’ve linked to it before but that’s okay. Some things should be read more than once. I would like to know how to pronounce his last name.

It’s worth the reminder every now and again but Sheldon Lee Compton’s Beat Country is a fine, fine collection of writing.

Part II of Kirsty Logan’s How to Be a Writer is now up at Metazen. She also offers a prayer at On Earth As It is. Speaking of Metazen, Frank Hinton isn’t a contributor yet but Frank is writing some outstanding things and it just has to be said. There’s this and this

Some very short fiction by Scott Garson is reprinted at Flash Fiction.net.

Southword 18, with fiction edited by Tania Hershman, includes a story by Ethel Rohan.

Jason Jordan’s The Absalom Society appears in Pale House.

In the new issue of 50 to 1, a brief fiction from Desmond Kon.

At MiCrow, a very short story from J. Bradley.

Meg Pokrass and Jack Swenson’s Naughty, Naughty is available here.

Aquarium, a chapbook by Ryan Bradley is now for sale from Thunderclap Press. Get on it.

Twice Stung, by Steve Himmer appears at Monkeybicycle this week.

Ethel (Rohan, obvi) interviews Amber Sparks at Dark Sky Magazine.

Two new poems by Ocean Vuong are available for your reading pleasure at Mascara Review.

Richard Fellinger’s Memoirs of a Little League Dad is up at Sarah LaPolla’s blog, Glass Cases.

PANK News, Updates & Reminders

1. PANK 5 is in production. PANK’s most exciting print issue yet, with new work from Nancy Carol Moody, Gabriel Welsch, Rachel Yoder, Luca DiPierro, Mimi Vaquer, Melissa Broder, Tasha Matsumoto, and many, many others. Pre-order your copy today.

2. You can also pre-infect yourself with the amazing  Our Island of Epidemics, by Matthew Salesses, the second title in the PANK Little Books Series. Check out the animated trailer.

3.  Pre-order both PANK 5 and Our Island of Epidemics and save oodles and oodles and shiney moneys.

4. PANK is currently accepting submissions for it’s second annual 1,001 Awesome Words Contest. Details here.

5. The deadline for submissions to PANK’s Queer Issue is fast approaching.

6. PANK in Chicago! In October! With Artifice! Reading on Friday, October 1st, 8 pm at the Book Cellar in Lincoln Square. Details when we have ’em.

7. Is it too early to think about AWP? Probably. PANK/Annalemma/mud luscious reading, probably on Thursday, February 3, probably 7 pm. Extravaganza, uh huh. Stay tuned.

Pindeldyboz is over / Mud Luscious Press takes on print archives

For those of you who haven’t heard, the final online issue of Pindeldyboz is up with notes from a few generations of editors as well as some final editorial picks, an online ‘best of’ to cap off this fine journal’s existence.

& though pboz is now resting quietly, the print archives have been handed off to Mud Luscious Press, releasing all available past print issues for $5 each (many were already going collectible at $50 apiece years back).

So:

Read the last online issue.

Read Pboz 7 in its entirety.

Buy back issues from Mud Luscious Press.

Goodbye pboz, you rocked us hard.

Literary Los Angeles: Jonathan Gold and Culinary Citizenship

I was driving alone up Western Avenue in Los Angeles late at night.   I had been back from China for only a few weeks.   I was zoning out, letting my eyes slip into and out of focus across the befogged street lights, when I saw what I took at first to be a mirage: a Xinjiang barbecued meat stick vendor on the corner of Western and Melrose.   The vendor looked much as his compatriots had when I’d seen them last on the streets of Shanghai:   a wiry man with a soot-blackened face bent over a barbecue bolted to the frame of a wheeled cart, alternately fanning a row of lamb kebabs with a bamboo fan and seasoning them with a mixture of cumin, chile, and Sichuan pepper shaken out of what appeared to be a repurposed Kraft parmesan cheese canister.

My first thought was, someone should tell Jonathan Gold.

But then, I was pretty sure Jonathan Gold already knew.   In fact, Jonathan Gold—LA Weekly columnist, Los Angeles native, and the only food critic to have won a Pulitzer Prize—did know. Within a month of my sighting of the street vendor, Gold wrote a column in praise of Xinjiang barbecue, which he described as “one of the most compelling snacks in the world.”

Jonathan Gold is something of a local treasure.   In addition to his much-discussed LA Weekly column, Gold pops up regularly on KCRW, one of Los Angeles’ public radio stations.   His 2000 book, Counter Intelligence: Where to Eat in the Real Los Angeles, has replaced the Thomas Guide as the city’s most indispensable backseat guidebook.

Gold’s columns set L.A. food enthusiasts off on a sort of scavenger hunt, racing out on a Friday night for far-flung places like Tarzana and Norwalk.   Gold introduced me to some of my favorite local restaurants, including Renu Nakorn, Yai, Csardas, Guelaguetza, China Islamic, and Mama’s Hot Tamales; and introduced the rest of the world to others I had already cherished, like Zankou Chicken, Chabelita’s, and Senor Fish, making them all a little more crowded (thanks a lot, Mr. Gold).

He’s a first-class storyteller, a passionate advocate for no-holds-barred eating, and a thoughtful writer, even if his occasional forays into adventurous eating (live octopus, bull’s penis) toe the line between broad-minded fearlessness and macho showmanship.   But the real reason Jonathan Gold is so popular may be that he tells us something we want to hear: we can enjoy the best of what L.A. has to offer for only the price of a pupusa.

Like all Los Angeles true believers, Gold delights in the unexpected find; in his case, in the extravagantly wonderful meals to be found in strip malls and on push carts.   He uncovers an L.A. that’s been busily existing all along, alongside the celebrity chefs and $200 tasting menus, a city of self-sufficient ethnic enclaves whose culinary successes are not trumpeted in any Michelin guides.

Gold was the subject of a recent New Yorker magazine profile by Dana Goodyear (subscription required).   In the profile, Gold expounds on his theory about what makes L.A.’s traditional foods (he eschews the word “ethnic”) so great.   He calls our city — “the anti-melting pot” — the home of true, undiluted regional cookery.”

“Unlike in New York,” Goodyear states, “where immigrants quickly broaden and assimilate their cooking styles to reflect the city’s collective idea of “Chinese food,” the insular nature of Los Angeles allows imported regional cuisines to remain intact, traceable almost to the restaurant owners’ villages of origin.”

(In the same article Goodyear also mentions what Gold dubs the “triple carom”: the Cajun seafood restaurant that caters to Chinese customers and is run by Vietnamese from Texas.”)

Having lived in China for more than two years, I can say with some authority that a trip to the San Gabriel Valley is the next best thing to a ticket on Air China.   Every detail of the hundreds of Cantonese, Shanghainese, Sichuan, and Hunan restaurants clustered along Valley Boulevard feels like the real thing: the tablecloths, the menus, the shrines, and most importantly, the food.   We make frequent trips to the “other” Valley for Vietnamese broken rice, dim sum, and Hong Kong-style seafood, and many of our destinations were first introduced to the wider world by Gold himself.   (Including the restaurant 818 recommended in Gold’s article on Xinjiang barbecue, where our limited Chinese proved handy indeed.)

This is real, good, cheap food.   And what is being done for Chinese and Vietnamese food in the San Gabriel Valley is being done elsewhere in the city for the best of Iran, El Salvador, Georgia, Ethiopia, Armenia, Korea, and Nicaragua.

What Gold is offering is a way to participate in the real life of the city, in parts of town that never make it onto “Entourage.”   Most people in Los Angeles will never dine at Spago or Melisse, just as most of us will never stumble out of Chateau Marmont and into a sea of flashbulbs.   Most of us wouldn’t want to.   But for the price of an entree at CUT, you and your friends can eat all the Xinjiang barbecue sticks you can handle, with beers besides.   Have an adventure, bring the kids, make some friends, order the penis.

Breeding and Writing: Murder by default

 

–by Tracy Lucas

 

I don’t want to post anything today.

I had a shitty day, a crazy evening, and I’m absolutely drained. It stormed all day and I hate storms. I ate store brand frozen pizza at 9:30 pm. My kid puked cherry Kool-Aid and peas all over the floor right after we swept it.

I have nothing witty to write for you lovely folks.

I run into that wall a lot in relation to the kiddos in the house, too. I don’t want to get up and clean the puke, but I do. I’m the mother. I don’t want to cook a real meal; I’d rather throw some Cocoa Krispies on the table and call it dinner. But (usually, anyway) I cook; I’m the mother. I don’t do everything I’m supposed to, and certainly not immediately when I should. I procrastinate. I bitch. I slack off.

Ask my husband. He’d be glad to tell you all about it.

But generally, I do what I have to do. Why? Because I’m the one who has to. It’s my job, my role. It’s the matter that makes up my life. No one else is going to do it, and it deserves to get done.

I should be that way with my own writing… but I’m not. I let it slide.

Way too often, I don’t show up at the page. Or worse: I do, but I phone it in and am really just watching Boston Legal reruns on cable over the top of my Netbook screen.  (** Seriously, I love that show! I just discovered it a month ago—why didn’t you guys tell me what I was missing? Not cool.)

But as a parent, I can’t bow out. I can’t decline. It never matters whether I want to. It’s non-optional and there’s no point in arguing. I clean. I wipe. I wake. I comb, I dress, I make lunches, I sign notes and make appointments.

I’m also a writer, but that identity usually gets brushed off. I’m just too occupied.

That’s not right. I was a writer first.

I give my time to other things, other duties, other daily stuff instead of the one passion that drives me. I don’t do the morning pages I’d like to. I don’t have time to submit stuff to the myriad of mags I wish I could be a part of. I don’t force a couple thousand words into the blank text file that represents the novel I’ve been carrying around in my head for two years. I never tell people, “No, I can’t come. I have to stay home and write.” (Well, unless I have an impending deadline for paid work, but that’s not what we’re talking about here. I mean non-client, expression-only stuff.)

I let it go. I promise “later” and I climb the stairs to start a load of laundry. I grocery shop. I play not-this-honest Monopoly with the squirts. I never do come back to the same crystallized moment of that particular creation’s potential. Hell, I don’t know if that’s ever even possible. It’s gone. I murder it by default. Then the whole nasty cycle repeats. Weekly. Daily. Hourly. Right now.

Why don’t I let myself take, well, myself as seriously as I take everyone else?

Why do I put my creativity last?

Or is that selfish? Should responsibility win since I have a family and have wound up becoming an adult?

Anyone else in the same boat?