5.06 / June 2010


Samuel was frustrated by the limits of language—its inability to fully express his profound thoughts regarding his feelings and desires. He felt imprisoned by the tongue given him, and restrained by the speech of his people. No words could adequately describe all that went on in his passionate mind. A rock fell on Samuel. A big rock from the sky. It fell on him because God did not like him. You should not like him, either.

Joachim was a brilliant physicist. His theories and experiments solved great mysteries and propelled human knowledge forward in magnificent strides. One day, while he was giving a particularly illuminating speech on black holes, his head fell off. It broke from his neck, bounced off the podium and rolled down the main table, knocking over a metal water jug before coming to rest on its left ear. God did not kill Joachim. Because of all of the theories inside of it, Joachim’s head had become three and one half times heavier than the average head. This additional weight, coupled with neck termites, caused his sudden and completely medically explainable decapitation.

Today there was a terrible earthquake in Japan. Great holes opened in the earth. Lava belched forth from cavernous rifts. Buildings toppled, people died. Earthquakes, as we know, are caused by giant beetles mating deep within the earth.