~by Morris Collins

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For many young writers AWP is a source of anxiety and dread. The world does nothing if not produce young writers and young writers do nothing if not worry about the same things: How do I get published? How do I get the girl/guy with the awesome ink to like me—even though I am not published?  These are reasonable concerns—I mean, AWP only happens once a year and you don’t want to blow it, because let’s face it, you can’t even afford to be here this year—but unfortunately in the lead-up to the conference you’re going to read a lot of very bad advice:  AWP is about forging bonds of art and community, AWP is a time to show your gratitude to the other pilgrims on your lonesome path, AWP is a chance to revel in the aesthetic endeavors of those, like you, who make things.

A source of anxiety and dread.

Really?  Who needs a lanyard to revel?  AWP is about networking, taking names, and getting known.  Here’s how:

1. REGISTER UNDER AN AWESOME PSEUDONYM:  Faulkner, Hemingway, Pynchon, Zadie, Lahiri—awesome writers have awesome names.  Do you have an awesome name? Probably not. So this year choose a really kickass writer name and register under it. What makes a good writer name? Something striking, and timeless, and austere.  ‘Percy’ is hot this year.  ‘Amis’ has worked for ages. ‘Wright’ has great puntential—it launched brothers Charles and James into poetry superstardom, just after they invented the airplane. (But what about all my publications under my real name, you may ask? Come on. If you don’t know this trick, you don’t have any publications). Think about it: your writing is supposed to expose the best of what’s inside, the scope and grandeur of your soul. So shouldn’t your name reflect this? Cormac McCarthy was born Eugene Needleman. Need I say more? Yes. You think anyone this side of 1920 still names their kid ‘Morris’?

Trying on our new name.

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