1. In the beginning, there was
a.) A pink tow truck.
b.) Nothing but sawmills and hay far as the eye can see, save for the Burger King, of course.
c.) Well, there was whatever there was, you know? Some say there was only algae. It was a different era.
2. Then somehow, a man got there. How do you reckon he managed that?
a.) Probably saw something he wanted to screw, easy. How do men get anywhere?
b.) He probably asked directions. Otherwise he might’ve gotten himself lost at an intersection. It’s the danger in not having a map. Just think what would’ve happened to the human race if the first man had got himself stopped behind a tree, or cracked his tail bone trying to scale a mountain.
c.) Doesn’t matter how slow he got there, long as he didn’t stop.
3. Let’s say, hypothetically, the woman wasn’t made til five hours later. How did the first man keep his mind off things?
a.) A man buck naked and all alone. Ha, good question. Why don’t you ask your uncle Jimbob?
b.) Maybe he was learning to swim. Else he was learning how to chew off apple skins. Else he was praying O God Thank You For This Absurd New Self and Situation, But I Don’t Know What To Do With It. Else he was teaching his throat to sing river songs. Else he was taking the world’s first nap.
c.) Nothing much to take his mind off in the first place. It was a different era.
4. Do you reckon they thought they’d live forever? The first guy and his lady? Do you think they knew about death?
a.) I reckon not, with teenagers always thinking they’re immortal. I reckon they were mouth-offs to whoever’s in charge of the whole thing and made off with the fruit their mama was saving to put in a pie, which just goes to show you can’t go around with eyeballs bigger than your belly.
b.) Most likely they hadn’t thought about mortality yet, especially in the first five hours. Like how you feel when you first get to a new place. When we went to St. Bart’s, you slept the whole first day, remember? It wasn’t any different with the first man, probably. Maybe he was figuring out where the lake and the pool was, or where he could order a ham salad.
c.) They found out soon enough, that’s all we’ll know for sure, least in this life.
5. If they could’ve survived until the end of time, how do you think they would have ended things?
a.) You mean for us all? The whole shebang? Depends on whether they kept that spark alive. How many years has it been? Two mill? That’s a long time for one fellow to stay with one gal, that’s a real commitment. Your uncle and I quit being so intimate after our fifth year, mostly because all he does is watch the damn games on TV, don’t tell him I said that. Two million’s even longer, but if she read the right lady’s magazines and did everything right I bet they’d end time on their backs, if they had any say in things.
b.) Know what I bet? I bet if they hadn’t nabbed the fruit their mama’d been saving, they’d be with us. Who knows if they’d still be wearing nothing but leaves, or shirts and khakis and tennis shoes. Or if the world even looks like it did then, even a little bit, though if I had to guess I reckon it looks most like the way it did right before sunrise, before all the lights come out and before you can see the tops of buildings.
c.) In the end there was a light and it came from the Tribute to Daft Punk Special at the club Proxxy and Lantern on V Street in Washington DC. No one predicted the light, and no one tried to dance in it because it was unnaturally pale and cumbersome and vivid, but miles in every direction folks gathered and waited, wondering what was going to happen to them.
Kathleen Radigan is a seventeen year old person, writer, and girl. Some of her previous publications include Hackwriters, Blood Lotus, The Newport Review, Innisfree Poetry, Pif, Prick of the Spindle, Constructions, and 13 Extraordinary Things.Â She hails from Rhode Island, where she spends most of her time doodling, drafting things, jumping on trampolines and trying to make it through high school in one piece.